Mike and Brenda's Excellent Adventure

Light at the end of the tunnel

2012-01-28T10:19:00.002-05:00

Yes - that's right. We can now see that tiny little light at the end of this huge crazy tunnel. On Thursday we got news of our court date! Its funny how this news always comes in a little email. Usually only one or two sentences tell us some kind of huge news. So, March 5th is our date. To be honest I was disappointed that it was SO FAR AWAY... But the process includes 2 court dates. One is for Birth Parents/Social Workers and then one month later is the date for Adoptive Parents. So, Feb 2 is our first date and then March 5 is our second date. In reality this is fairly quick.

I am not having the reaction I thought i would have. Mike is the very excited one and I am getting there. I feel a huge sense of relief but more than anything I am still in shock. You see for the last almost 4 years we have had no sense of timing. We tried to guess and maybe, sort of come up with some kind of time line which has always been way off. This time we have a date. We have a count down. We KNOW when we are going. We KNOW when we will see our boy. Its kind of freaking me out to be honest. We are making TRAVEL plans... I am buying things. Its all feeling a bit crazy.

On every kind of holiday i would daydream and dare to ask myself - will we have a baby next Christmas 0r our next camping trip or next summer... and the answer appears to be yes.

Now the other thing is that it is not over yet. This is like the 7th inning stretch. Its fun to do and it means the game is coming to a close - but it ain't over yet. Still so many things to wait for and some of the hardest part is coming. The sweet sweet day we will see our boy for the first time and the day we have to leave him and come home. I knew this day was coming - I did and I would tell myself "it won't be that bad" - many others have done it. But i know I am going to be a HUGE mess. This, I am not looking forward to - in fact dreading it. We were really trying to figure out how we could make the 'long' stay work - but in reality we just can't do it. I will be on cloud nine if we have to turn around 5 weeks after we get home and go right back to pick him up!!!

So, YAYYYYYYYY we have our court date!! It is exciting to be at this place FINALLY. But with it comes a whole new set of scary and crazy - which we should be used to by now. We are grateful and we are thankful and we are happy! And as my co-worker J would say 'strength for the journey'!

Letter

2012-01-11T16:58:00.003-05:00

Our long lost letter has finally been signed!!! We just found out today. Now we can get back in line and apply for a court date. This has been a nightmare. There were times where we really believed we would loose our boy. Thanks for your prayers and your support!

Sitting

2012-01-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

He sits. Our boy sits on his own. He is growing and getting bigger. He is loosing the baby look and looking more like a little boy. The red t-shirt with the white stripes from last months photo is now looking a bit small for him. His hair is getting longer and the curls - Oh the curls!!!!! He has big, loose curls. His legs are getting cubby and he has rolls at his wrists. He is the sweetest thing ever - can't wait for you all to agree with me.

We are grateful for our photo updates. We don't receive any other info - so seeing him sit is huge for us. We just don't know what milestones he is reaching. We can see that he is healthy and well cared for.

We have no other news, no updates. We pray for our boy and hope that we can be together soon. We have our good days and our not so good days. I want to thank you all for supporting us in so many different ways. Please continue to pray that this nightmare will be over soon and we can get on with living our lives as a family of 3.

Confession Friday

2011-12-02T16:42:00.003-05:00

Hey there - yes we are still here. We have little in the way of updates. We are still missing one important piece of paper - this paper is standing between us getting to court. So, if you think of us (and a few other families) please continue to pray that this will all be cleared up real soon.

And now for my confessions:

*this week Bedi turned 1. Yep he had his birthday on Monday. I actually made it through the day without being a huge mess. I never imagined we would have him home for his birthday but i imagined by now we would be waiting for his visa. It is hard to think of him being in the orphanage for so long and without us. Next year will be the party to end all birthday parties! We love you sweet boy - Happy Birthday.

*I know that you have heard me say this wait has been hard... hard doesn't cut it. There have been time (are times) that we aren't sure that we will get Bedi. In the past weeks hope and despair can live in the same moment. Our friends and family have been wonderful in the encouragement department and in the prayer department - continually lifting us up. And i can feel it and it gets me through those tough days. Thanks peeps. Most of all Mike has been a rock. We often take turns being the 'strong' one - but lately its been all Mike. This song was on the radio today and it is so true for us.

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

Blake Shelton

Confession Friday

2011-10-28T10:47:00.002-04:00

I confess:

*Its been a long hard week. Actually it's been a long hard 4 months since we got our referral. Last week we finally got an answer as to why we don't have a court date. We aren't even eligible for a court date... To make a long story short, we are missing paperwork in Bedi's file. This mysterious paper work has been missing for about 4 months and we weren't told. It is tiring and scary and we would just like some answers.

*We got new pics of our Bedi yesterday. He is getting so big!! He looks healthy and happy. Today he is 11 months old.

*I have the day off and feel very little ambition to get out of my PJ's and do anything constructive.

While I am Waiting

2011-10-06T07:37:00.002-04:00

This waiting has got to be the hardest EVER. It does not get easier people! I was reminded of this song and how i would like to be waiting... Truth is i have been just about as far opposite from this song as i could be...It is hard. Today is a new day.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

John Waller

The Adoption Community

2011-09-14T18:17:00.004-04:00

When we began our adoption we never guessed that we would become a part of the 'adoption community'. I didn't even really know that one existed. I remember thinking that we were 'the only ones'. I knew it wasn't true - but it can be a very lonely path. Back in those days i had no idea of people we would meet along the way.

First of all i stumbled upon my first blog. I didn't even really know about blogs much back then. I learned so much. I saw photos of families home with their kids. I joined the journey of others - sometimes laughing and sometimes crying.

Then i joined a chat group - huge step for me. This has been a source of encouragement and sometimes frustration. From there I actually met a few people and we have become close friends!!! There are others that I email.

Last night we met, in person, a couple who are adopting Bedi's roommate. Our kids are just weeks apart in age and have been in the same orphanage for quite a few months. They live 5 minutes from our house. That is right 5 minutes - a short walk. Here they are in our little old town. Our kids have been living together - and they got to see Bedi when they met their sweet girl!!! Who would have ever thought???

These people 'get it'. We walk this journey together. They understand like no other. If you are beginning your adoption journey, consider getting involved, stepping out and meeting others.

Today we heard sad news in our community. A mom who just brought home her son in the spring has passed away. And so, even though we never met or knew each other, i grieve her loss and pray for her husband and son. We are part of a community and we hurt.

Summer photos

2011-09-05T12:12:00.007-04:00

There has been nothing new to report. We are still waiting on the courts to reopen. Still mostly hanging in there.

Thought i would share some photos.

a smile to my face **plus edit

2011-08-15T17:07:00.005-04:00

You have heard me say this before - i am sick of waiting. I am sick of being patient. I am sick of smiling and saying 'he will be home soon'. So, if you don't feel like listening to me complain, that is fine - you can move along.

All of this time (the past 3+ years) - the light at the end of the tunnel was getting a referral. That is the big ticket item. That is the day you hope and pray for and dream about. The day that you learn who your child is. Is it a boy or girl? How old? and seeing that picture of your child... is a priceless moment in life. The ultimate is the day you meet and bring your baby home - but the big deal is the referral.

Friends had told me that the wait AFTER the referral was the worst. I thought - how could that be? The guessing game is done, you know who your child is and you have a rough estimate of when this ordeal will be over and you can begin your life as a family of 3. I thought to myself "how can it be worse than this"? But guess what, they were right. If you are still waiting for your referral - please know - its not all sunshine and roses. Sorry, maybe it will be different for you. I really hope so. You just need to be prepared. Its kind of like post-referral-depression or something.

The referral is a definite high. Its what you have been dreaming of and waiting for. I printed a million copies of those grainy photos and put them EVERY WHERE. I can not take too many steps at home or at work without seeing Bedi's face. and its torture. I made a comment on the chat group that it might be time to take some of the photos down so it didn't hurt so much - but i just couldn't do it. How can i put his sweet face away?

Here are the facts that my head knows: Bedi is being cared for at a very good orphanage. I have heard first hand from multiple sources that this is true. I know that adding 2 or 3 months to a 3 1/2 year process is really not that big of a deal. I know that we have a child who is (almost) ours and we will have the rest of our lives to be together. I know he is being loved. I also know that Bedi has and will suffer more than we can imagine. He has lost his birth parents, will loose his birth country, his language, his culture, his heritage. We will do what we can to make up for that. And so, my impatience and 'suffering' is nothing compared to that. My head knows that God's timing is perfect - His plan is perfect. We are in His hands. October is not far away (when the courts open again and hopefully will find out when we go for our first visit).

Here is what my heart knows: I am not the one caring for Bedi. He is getting bigger, growing and changing - he probably looks nothing like the 2 little photos that i stare at all day long. We don't know when we will travel. This court closure thing sucks. I feel like my faith is very small right now and that i am complaining and whining alot. Right now, if you ask me, I will tell you and complain and give the 'real' answer.

And so, you might ask - why the title. Doesn't seem like you are smiling much. While i am feeling pretty crappy about this whole thing, I have been given a little nugget to hold on to. A bit of faith that i can grasp.

There happens to be a couple in a small town about 15 minutes from where we live. They are adopting as well. I have always known 'about them', heard about them from different people - but never met them or made contact. Until last week. Their little girl is just weeks older than our Bedi and came from the same city. As i type they are living together in the orphanage. They are buddies. D's mom emailed me and let me know that she has SEEN our precious Bedi. She has talked to him, tickled him and made him smile and laugh. She said he thought he looked healthy and like he was a good weight. Music to my ears. What an amazing gift this has been. Its making it just a bit easier. And so God provides just a little something, a little bit of hope just when i need it.

It's a nugget, a tiny glimpse of our son. I am still complaining and feeling like crap. But its just a little something to take the edge off.

EDIT:

to add to the story of our new friends and their visit with Bedi - i have now found out that they do not in fact live 15 minutes away in another town - but actually 5 minutes away - just down the street in our own little town!!! Our kids would likely go to the same school!!! How cool is that? Looking forward to meeting you E!!

Helping

2011-07-25T16:43:00.002-04:00

By now, you will have heard about the famine in East Africa.

Its hard to explain how international 'news' touches you when it involves your child's homeland. It feels like it is happening to my home. There are many ways that you can donate to help with the relief effort. MCC (Mennonite Central Committee) is one of them. Right now the Canadian Government is matching donations.

http://canada.mcc.org/eastafricadrought/cida

I often wonder how our country would manage if we really had a disaster like this. I pray others would help us as we have to opportunity to help Africa. Please give if you can. Not everyone can give and that is ok. Prayer is also an important response.

Thanks for considering it.

Confession Friday

2011-07-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

I confess:

* I almost didn't confess - it's just too hot

*We had a wonderful lazy vacation. We were camping up north and it was so good. Mind you it was really hot.... I am talking high 20's and low 30's in the shade. Then again we weren't doing too much but sitting by the water, swimming and reading so that was ok. We did get eaten alive though.... every sort of biting bug got me. My feet look like a mine field!!!

*Every year i look at all the families at the beach and i dream of what it will be like to be a family of 3 at the beach. We did enjoy our peace and freedom but won't it be fun to introduce Bedi to the fun of camping.

*we took absolutely no pictures during our holiday. Except for a few shots mike took of the food we were cooking one night... it was really good. So, just picture the 2 of us lounging with a book in hand and that would be our holiday.

*one high light for me is the fire flies. i have never seen so many fire flies as we see at this park. Every night they come out and flit about. they are so magical to me, so pretty and so random.

*Poor kid - we have been calling him Bedi - and when people ask me about Devin I have to think about who they are talking about. I guess i think of him as Bedi - until he is ours at least. Maybe Bedi will stick though.

*I worry sometimes that this is just a big joke and that Bedi will never come home. I like to think that i am ok with this whole court closure thing adding 2 more months to his time in an orphanage. I try not to get anxious or upset - what good does it do? But oh do i wish he could just come home. I guess i am getting used to the not knowing thing - but it would be really nice to find out when we go to E

*We had planned to do some traveling into the country when we go to E the first time. If you haven't heard there is a drought going on and lots of people are starving. I think i will feel guilty driving into the country side and eating whatever i want. I am not sure what we will do. I want to see where Bedi comes from and help if we can - but i don't want to be a 'rich foreigner' or take from anyone else. Dealing with a country and poverty is one thing but dealing with a drought and people starving is something totally different. I really want to respect the people...

Confession Friday

2011-07-01T12:18:00.002-04:00

I confess:

*its friday but i really didn't know what day of the week it is!! We have been on holidays and this week feels like a repeating Saturday!! Probably because i have done alot of cleaning and house stuff. As you can see from Mike's post - our bedroom is getting an overhaul and it's looking great. Still have some trim work to do and paint and some curtains to hang and it should be done!!! Looking forward to the 'finished' pics and moving on to our next project :)

*We went to the Toronto Zoo yesterday and were a bit disappointed. I guess i was expecting to see more animals... Some exhibits were empty, some poor animals were hot and tired and you could just barely see them... We decided it will be alot of years before we take Devin. There were lots of kiddies having lots of melt downs!!!! Its a huge place with lots of walking.

*We finally were able to sign the forms to accept our referral. There were a few complications and i was getting worried that it was going to fall through... But its all signed and sealed and now we wait to see when we will go for court. Not sure if we will sneak in before closures happen or not.

*Momma bear instincts came to the surface when we found out wee Devin was in hospital last week. He had a flu that lead to dehydration. Poor fella. I have been feeling good about the care he is getting - but when i found out he has been sick, i just want to be the one to look after him!!!! He is doing better now and is back at the orphanage again.

*I think i have a decorating idea for the nursery... finding it fun to think about getting it finished!!!

*Today might just be a lazy day. After our trek at the zoo yesterday in the heat, it might just be nice to chill for today.

Happy Canada Day!!!!!

Work-cation

2011-06-30T07:23:00.005-04:00

So, we decided to take a week off work to get some projects done around the house. One such project is our master bedroom. Here is what it looked like before: (well, minus the ladder and with a little more furniture!)

I (Mike) did find some wiring issues that needed attention too. No surprise in a house this old!

The ceiling has been changed from a taupe to a flat white:
...and the walls from beige to "black pepper"!
Brenda has a good eye for colour, and accessories. She is the brains behind this outfit, an I provide the labour! Our house is slowly coming together, one room at a time. The next project will be the game/toy room! It looks like I had better get to work on that soon, before Devin gets home!!

The Referral Story

2011-06-20T17:10:00.014-04:00

Where to start??? So much to say! It has been a whirlwind since last Thursday June the 16th - the day we found out we have a son! It sure was a shock to us. As you can see, the post before was quite somber. I was pretty down about more waiting and wondering where our paperwork was. I was definitely not expecting a referral on that day!!

First of all let me say thank you for all the warm wishes - phone calls and emails. I haven't been able to get back to you all yet - but give me some time and I will. The weekend was a busy with showing off our beautiful son to anyone who would listen :) My mom and sister managed to sneak in a surprise birthday party as well on Saturday. What a great time to show off Bedilu to all my girlfriends!!!!

Our boy is amazing. His eyes are huge and beautiful - and his cheeks are ready to be pinched. He is so sweet!!! I wish I could show you all his photo - but we will need to wait till after our court date.

We have not officially accepted the referral but hope to do that in the next few days. This should put is in a good place to have a court date in August!!!!!! That has my head spinning!!!

So, on to the 'referral story'.

Thursday, June 16. I was out of the office for most of the day. We had a team building 'staff day'. It was a good day. Most of the staff enjoyed a picture scavenger hunt but i stayed back to help a friend get the bbq lunch ready. We had a nice visit and talked about all sorts of things including the adoption and next steps. At lunch i sat with 2 co-workers who have adopted and they each told the stories of adopting their kids. It seemed like i was talking 'adoption' alot! Near the end of the day, I gave a co-worker a ride to a store near our house and then decided to go home. I actually turned into the driveway but then decided i better go back to the office (5 minutes away) as i still technically had another hour of work. As soon as i got back i noticed a phone message. I was expecting a message from one of the stores, as i realized i forgot to do a message saying i was out of the office. It was a woman (who's name i didn't recognize) saying "we just sent you a very important email, you really need to check it, you will be very happy, please check it right away". I knew instantly what 'it' was. I was shaking so hard i could hardly think straight. Not sure how many tries it took to dial Mike's cell phone. I have no idea what i said something like ' you need to come home NOW - we have an email, we have an email!!!!!!' I was just beside myself!!! I got my stuff together and found the only other person in the office - i am pretty sure i scared to socks off of her!! i was jumping up and down, babbling away - we got an email, i have got to go - we got an email!!! she looked at me like i had 10 heads, she hugged me and then i left. I do remember that she had tears in her eyes.

I got in the truck and i remember thinking i need to settle down or i would get in an accident! So, i took a deep breath and drove home. A bit down the street, a few more co-workers were returning and i pulled over and rolled down the window and said 'we have an email!!!!' and then i sped off. They must have thought i was off my rocker!

When i got home, i opened the computer and saw the email - sent at 10:30am - and by now it was 3:30pm! I called my mom - still shaking!!! She kept me on the phone till Mike got home, so that i wouldn't open the email without him!!! It seemed like forEVER till Mike got home. He rushed in, and we hit the button and the face of our beautiful SON appeared. It took a while to figure things out because i just couldn't focus long enough to read the details. Later on Ange would ask things like, what orphanage is he at - and i had no idea cause all i could handle was that he was a boy named Bedilu. What a moment!!!! The first time you see your Son's face. So amazing!!!!!!!!!!! He is absolutely wonderful. I just looked at Mike and said 'we have a boy!' Its so crazy, cause we have been waiting for 3+ years and still nothing prepares you for the moment you see your boy!!!! Eventually, Mike had to go back to work - and i starting calling anyone who would listen! I still wasn't making much sense... I left alot of messages on machines where i was pretty much just screaming - and got quite a few call backs of screaming in my ear!!! SO MUCH FUN!!!!

That first night i didn't sleep too much - WAY to excited!!!! But you know what? I now have a peace about where he is and how he is being cared for. I didn't expect that - I thought i would be worried more. Do i wish it was me rocking him to sleep and feeding him? Of coarse i do. But now that i know where he is, i can relax because he is being well cared for - the folks in that orphanage are doing a great job caring for him - I have no doubt about that. Up until now i just didn't know where he was or if he was being cared for and now i have no doubt about it.

It is still sinking in. I look at Mike a few times a day and say 'we have a boy!' It feels hard to believe!! And then i see the photo and i just can't stop staring into his eyes!!! I can't believe that we have such a beautiful boy!! He is the cutest baby i have ever seen!!!! I am sure that you will all agree with me :)

The rest of the weekend is a blur. A great day of shopping and hanging out on Saturday. A wonderful day on Sunday celebrating Father's Day and here we are. We are so blessed to have our son. It is just amazing to me to have him in our lives. I know that its been a long haul and lots of times that i didn't believe it would happen. I need to thank all of those who rose up after the bankruptcy and made things happen. I didn't believe in it at first. I just didn't believe it would work. I need to thank all you - our friends and family for encouraging us and praying for us through this whole process. We couldn't have made it this far without all of you. Thanks to God for blessing us so much more than we imagined or expected. We are humbled by the honour of parenting this amazing boy!

WE HAVE A BOY!

not nothin

2011-06-16T22:22:00.002-04:00

WE HAVE A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got the call today - story to follow

he is the sweetest thing ever!!!

7 months old - born Nov 28/10

cute as can be

so excited

praising God for His faithfulness and goodness to us and to baby

his name is Devin Shawn Bedilu

must try to sleep

nothin

2011-06-15T17:19:00.002-04:00

I got nothin for ya. No new news. I have been told that we are at 'the top' of the list. Which i have already found very tiring. Every time the phone rings you jump and wonder... but we could be at the top of that list for a long time. My dear friends R&A have been at the top of their list for over a year now...

Paperwork is still an issue. Misplaced is a better word than lost and i think things are on the right track again. Its supposed to all be done in 2 weeks - so ask me then. It should have been done over 2 months ago but who's counting. It all got 'lost' in the shuffle of the handover from Imagine to MoT.

And so we continue to wait. Feeling a bit frustrated and frankly tired. The best thing ever was meeting sweet little Addis last week. Oh how wonderful to hold and play with that little guy. I am so excited for my friends as they begin their journey of parenthood!!! And for me it was a good reminder - this will end some day with our baby home!

Secret Daughter

2011-05-25T19:25:00.004-04:00

I just read an amazing book called Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somaya Gowda.

This book just really hit home to me on a few different levels. So many things to relate to. Hope I don't give too much away :)

Its a story of a woman giving up her baby in rural India. For me, this part of the story allows me to relate to our birth mother. We don't have a referral yet - so we don't know what our story will be. But when i read this story i see the amazing love this mother has for her child. I see the determination for this child to live and thrive. I see the love this mother has for her child all of her life. She wonders every day how her child is and what she is doing - every day. Giving up your child is not a a thing done lightly. I wonder if our birth mother will ever be at peace knowing how her child is being raised. I hope so.

Its a story of an adoptive mother who yearns for a child. I have lived her pain. It was hard to read. It was part of my story - and so it was very real to me. It put into words what i have felt at one time or another. Its not totally my story- as my relationship with my husband has only been strengthened through this whole thing - a blessing for sure. But, to see in words what i have felt - a validation in a way - was very powerful to me.

Its a story of a child growing up in a an adoptive family and longing to know her past and who she is. And its painful and hard but its necessary to figure out. I want to be able to walk with our child along this difficult journey and be able to help them answer those tough questions in their lives.

It's also a trip to India. We work in India and i feel a connection there. What an eye opener into the country of India.

So, there you have it. A good read. Hope you might enjoy it too.

Shots

2011-05-25T19:11:00.002-04:00

I mentioned in my last post, that we were getting our shots. Yep, we did. We are officially pin cushions!!!

A while back our sweet, wonderful, compassionate and ever optimistic family Dr suggested we get in sooner than later for our travel shots. It can some times take up to 6 weeks to get an appointment - so i finally did it. They wanted to know exactly where we are going (don't know), when we are going (don't know) and all that good stuff. The amazing part was that the RN was an BTDT adoptive mom with a son from Korea and daughter from South Africa. So, she knew her stuff and understood our vague info and gave us our shots anyway. Kind of funny - i remember the first lady that took our finger prints also was an adoptive mom. Anyway - it was nice to meet her and talk to some one who gets it!!! Thanks nice RN lady!!!!

Anyhoo - back to the shots. I got a polio top up, Yellow Fever and the first Twinrix shot. I go back for the 2nd Twinrix shot and we are still out for debate on the Typhoid - Karen what do you think - do we need it? and what kind of Malaria we need. MIke got 4 shots. On our first trip we hope to do some travelling - don't know exactly where yet. We came away with info overload, sore arms, a huge bill and a smile on my face - knowing that we can stroke 'shots' off our list. It feels so good to be able to DO something again. I think that is the hardest part - the not being able to DO anything

So, we are ready to leave now any time - got our shots - now just bring on the referral!!!!

Confession Friday - on a Monday

2011-05-23T20:57:00.003-04:00

I confess -
*its Monday. I had all weekend to blog and i just don't feel like i have much to say. Still waiting, still living... still waiting

*my heart hurts so much for my dear cousins. To loose their mom with such a shock. I just would love to take away the hurt. Love you guys

*i had a pretty sweet weekend. I actually had a few extra days off last week. I will confess that i did some fun stuff like reading an amazing book on my deck in the sun.

*I confess a sunburn is my proof that the sun did shine for 1/2 of the weekend.

*i confess that i am really hoping to hear that our file is on its way to E this week. It has been tracked down and the fear was confirmed - it was sitting somewhere, ignored and gathering dust... we seem to be just 'along for the ride' and at the mercy of people that we didn't choose to look after our business. enough said about that

*I confess we are getting our travel shots tomorrow. They want to know an itenerary and i made one up...cause i dont want to be scrambling to get our shots.

*i confess that my belief in miracles was renewed today when i read some amazing news on a fellow bloggers blog. Congrats to Nat and Chris!!!!

*I confess that we could use a miracle too and would like to get that referral this week - well, this month would be fine too

What It Might Feel Like to be Adopted - from Ruth's Rambles

2011-05-16T17:01:00.002-04:00

The following was posted by Ruth a while back. It really struck a cord with me...and I wanted to share it. Adoption is just plain hard. There is no way around it. We will most likely be the 4th caregiver our child will have had. Even as an infant, he/she will be confussed and scared. There is even research to suggest that brain activity can be affected by the loss and change in caregiver. I will post soon about secure attachment and how we plan to be pro-active in our parenting.

Here is Ruth's post:

About a year ago, I read an article by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, an article that first went to print in the Adoption Parenting publication. Hockman-Chupp is a writer and an adoptive parent, and she wrote the following analogy to help all pre-adoptive parents understand what adoption might feel like from a child's perspective. It haw haunted me since first reading it. Here it is in its entirety.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment...

You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your lan- guage-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bed-time with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, some-one (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

How would each of us handle all these changes? How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?

©2006-8 Cynthia Hockman-Chupp. Cynthia is an adoptive parent, teacher, and writer who has learned the most about parenting from her children. She operates a website with Heidi Louella, another adoptive parent and teacher, called www.a4everfamily.org with great information for families that are dealing with the challenges of attachment in young children. Her analogy is courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller, an attachment therapist.
This article was originally published in Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections published by EMK Press. This 520 page parenting book is a tapestry of contributions from over 100 adoptive parents, adoption experts, birth parents, and parents who have become experts to parent the children who have come to them. It is available from EMK Press, 16 Mt. Bethel Road, #216, Warren, NJ 07059 732-469-7544 • 732-469-7861 fax • www.emkpress.com

Betty

2011-05-16T16:38:00.002-04:00

Thank you all for praying for my cousin Betty and her family. Sorry for the delay in posting. Betty went to be with the Lord soon after she became ill. On Mother's Day we gathered to celebrate her life and to grieve her passing.
I come from a large family. Betty's dad is the oldest of 12 and my dad happens to be #9. And so Betty was closer to my parents age and her kids are closer to my age. In fact, I was born 3 days after Harold and Betty's wedding. They would have been married 40 years in June.

I grew up attending church with Betty and Harold and their family and I would say that they taught me many things about walking with Jesus just through their example. When i was 16 we got a flier at church for a summer mission trip. It looked pretty interesting but i had alot of fear about it. When she asked me if i was thinking of going, i made up some excuses about money and who knows what. Betty said to me "Do you have something better to do?" She has a way of saying it like it is and so she really encouraged me to seriously think and pray about it. That summer was an amazing blessing to me and the beginning of a stirring in my heart for mission work.

I think that Betty was the first person at church that i told about our adoption. I just couldn't wait to tell someone and there she was. She was so excited! She had actually done some volunteer work with Imagine - hand delivering documents to the embassy in Ottawa. I know she prayed for us and was always interested in our 'next steps' and where we were in line.

Betty was an amazing Mother, Grandmother, prayer warrior, friend. And man did she know her Scriptures. What an amazing legacy she leaves. LIfe is short, you just don't know what God's plan is for your life. Live life to the fullest, be thankful for what you have and those who are in your life.

Here is a clip from the local news
http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110508/Albrecht2011-05-08/20110508/?hub=TorontoNewHome

Please Pray

2011-05-03T07:10:00.002-04:00

Could you all please pray for my cousin Betty. She is hospital in very serious condition. Pray for her husband, thier 3 kids and spouces and 9 grandkids.

Confession Friday

2011-04-29T17:04:00.003-04:00

I confess:

*This has been a discouraging week adoption wise. 2 really good friends are both really struggling with their adoptions. One is just so close – so close to picking up their sweet boy. Red tape just keeps getting in the way. It seems like petty, easy things that just make you shake your head – are keeping them from hoping on a plane. My other really good friends just do not know if their adoption will ever happen. Delay after delay has had them at a standstill for a long time (since last summer) and now there is 3 more months of not knowing. And us…I still don’t know where our file is at but was told ‘we are looking into it’. If you don’t mind, say a prayer for all of us as some days, one more thing is just too much to deal with.

*That I feel a bit like Jekyll/Hyde. One post is positive and exciting and upbeat and then bam. More crap. Will life ever be normal again? How I look forward to the day that our adoption is done and final and we can move on to a new kind of crazy – parenthood!

*We all need some good news.

*I got up and watched the wedding today at 3:00am. By ‘up’ I mean that I was awake but still in bed. :)

*I did get a bit teary. Weddings always make me cry. It was a beautiful wedding!!!

*Retail therapy is in my future.

Confession Friday (on Saturday)

2011-04-09T09:44:00.007-04:00

I confess:

*we are getting close to the top of the list. seriously close. nauseously close. computer stalking close. freaky person close. The last referral that was announced - their original number was 55 and ours is 62. That is close. According to my spreadsheet, my multi-coloured and 'can't live without' spreadsheet - there are only 3 other people ahead of us that are stating 'either' gender, the rest want girls...that means we are closer than close. and its freaking me out. I am freaked out because our paperwork is still not done. At this point i don't really know where it is or how longer it will be there, where ever it is... The new agency took over our files this week and so i am trying to give them a grace period before i go crazy and demand some more info.... We are close. Close to insanity for sure. The reality is that we could be 'close' for a very long time.... You know me, i try to be realistic but its so hard not to try to put a time line on these things. IF we got a referral by June (my birthday) and it takes 6 months or so for the rest of the paper work...we could be traveling around Christmas time... That is a huge IF and i really try not to go there as there is no possible formula to try to figure out how long will take... pray for my sanity. Could we really have our baby home this year???? Mike is as cool as a cucumber...we refuses to get excited until we have our referral...I wish we could trade places for a week or a day... That would be a nice change.

*yesterday we heard the news that Sue Hayhow and Rick Hayhow have both been arrested and charged with fraud. I thought i would feel differently. I thought i would feel relieved and happy to hear this news. I am glad that they will be held accountable for their actions. I am actually surprised that Sue was in the country as it was rumoured that she was living in Africa. I was surprised at how raw my emotions still are after all this time. It is definitely a part of my life that hasn't completely healed yet - maybe it never will. It has really stirred up all the emotion of that time - when i was grieving the loss of a child and our adoption. It has become a part of our adoption story that i would like to forget about and 'skip over'. But it was/is a real part but not one i want to focus on. Here is a link to the news and our friends being interviewed - a happy ending with pic's of their beautiful son:http://swo.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110408/imagine-adoption-charges-110407/20110408/?hub=SWOHome

*i have alot of work to get done before we have people in for dinner tonight...and I am feeling very lazy. Maybe i need some stronger coffee to get me through. Or maybe we will order pizza...

*blogger is making me angry!!!!! its not saving right and i am getting frustrated!!!

Another Room Finished!

2011-03-12T12:49:00.007-05:00

We have now finished our spare bedroom. It is now ready for occupancy, so if you are planning to come to Ontario (hint hint Karen), please do!!!

We (Mike) re-did the dry wall, added crown moulding, painted everything - including the floors and installed a new ceiling fan/light fixture.

We have the after's first because our computer is very slow today. Enjoy!!!

The befores. Ugh - ugly green wall paper on one wall, ugly grey paint on the other walls. Gaps in dry wall, dirty and stained floor. Good bye to the dingy's!!!

Thanks Mike for all your hard work!!! You are the best! Now, on to our next project :)

Confession Friday

2011-03-11T10:04:00.002-05:00

I confess:

*as I wrote that last post, I was very excited about where we are and how close we are to a referral

*after I read the last post, I got depressed at how long we still have before we have our child home

*it’s been a tough week. Since the bankruptcy happened I have tried very hard not to get caught up emotionally in what is going on the boards and the latest drama. There is always ‘something’ and to save my sanity I usually take it all with a grain of salt until I see some concrete proof that it might be true. I was avoiding the latest news in hopes that it was just another rumour. For those not in the adoption world, we are going to be faced with much longer wait times… That’s all I am going to say about it. It adds more time to our time line and causes children to have longer time in institutional care. It’s sad and hopefully things can be turned around.

*that after the latest news that wait times are only going to increase I really wondered if we should continue with this adoption. If we weren’t so ‘close’ to a referral, I think we would be seriously considering our options

*that our child is worth waiting for and some day we will look back at this time and be grateful for the path that lead us to our child.

Next Steps

2011-02-28T16:47:00.005-05:00

So many of you family and friends are excited to see us getting closer to the top of the list! Your encouragement and excitement and support is so wonderful!!! I thought i might explain the 'rest' of this journey to you all so it doesn't get too complicated. Even though we are getting 'closer', we still have a long way to go:

1. Paper chase - well, our homestudy update is complete and we have filled out all the necessary paperwork. Right now our homestudy is at the Ontario Ministry of Family and Children - getting approved. We need to be approved by them to adopt - again. They did this already - 2 years ago, so it should be a rubber stamp, we hope. It should take about 6 weeks and its already been there for one week. After that our file or dossier needs to be notarized and authenticated - it travels from Ottawa to Toronto and then back to Cambridge. That takes about 3 weeks. During this time we are not eligible for a referral - booo - but that's ok because we probably aren't that close anyway. Once this is all done it goes to Ethiopia and sits and waits on our referral.

2. The Referral - we get matched with an adoptable child!!! Our request is either gender (Mike is sure its a girl and I am sure its a boy - who will win???) under 24 months. We will get 'the call' from our agency and they will send us photos, medical info and back ground info on this child. We then have to have our Dr. check it out and our Adoption Practitioner check it out. We then accept or reject this referral. Usually referrals are rejected due to physical/illness issues. If we accept, then we move on. This acceptance process can take a few days depending on when you can get appointments with Dr's and the AP.

3. Court - once we have accepted the referral, the agency applies for us to get a court date. It usually takes about a month to hear when your court date will be - and it can be any where from a month to 3 months till you get that date.

4. Appear in court. We will then travel to Ethiopia to appear in court!! When we get there, we will travel to the orphanage to see our baby. We will get to observe him/her - but not touch or take photos. Then, a few days later we appear before a judge, who will ask us a few questions and hopefully make us parents. After the successful court date, our child will be moved to our agency's baby house - then we will get to visit the baby once - for a few hours. At this point we will be able to hold and cuddle and take pictures of our wee one. Then my heart gets ripped out and we come home... We actually hope to do some sight seeing and major shopping on this trip as we will be childless and able to travel easier. This trip might be 10 or so days.

5. Wait. Then we wait on a new Ethiopian birth certificate with our child's new last name, and then the visa wait. Right now the visa wait is taking anywhere from 2 weeks to 16 weeks. Yes, that's right 16 weeks.

6. Visa is in! When we get the news that the visa is in - we catch the next flight to Ethiopia. That's right - the very next flight - hopefully that same day :) well, soon after anyway. We go to Ethiopia and bring home our child. We are hoping that this will be a quick trip - probably 5-7 days. We will probably visit the child on the first day there - hang out and let him/her get used to us. The next day they child usually comes into your care. Sometimes, it might take longer if it seems the transition might not be smooth.

So, that is what is still in store for us. Even if we get a referral this year...we might not have the baby home this year. It could happen - but we know not to count on what should happen in this process. It is exciting to get closer to the 'top' of the list and this 10 week wait till our paperwork is in order is bugging me. I mean, we started in August to get this stuff together, it seems like its taking forever... But i have a feeling that once its all done we will get a referral soon after.

ps. - the above information is not binding or for sure - its what i understand of the process and what i have experienced and know to be mostly true :)

Moving on up

2011-02-26T13:36:00.002-05:00

There were 3 referrals announced this week!!!! That is a 3 place jump closer to the top for us. It is starting to get exciting again! I was just sitting in the baby's room thinking of things to be done and getting excited again. Oh my, can it be? Will it soon be our turn???

Confession Friday

2011-02-18T10:29:00.004-05:00

I Confess that i have the day off today and have zero motivation to get anything done. Last week I was a busy bee and today i would love to curl up on the couch with a good book.

I Confess that we got invited to a wedding next month and i have absolutely nothing to wear. I do not own a dress that will work in the winter.

I Confess that i dread looking for the dress. Luckily my 15 year old niece will be shopping with me. At least we will get something kind of 'cool' or in style. Hopefully... Worse than the dress will be finding shoes for my wide feet.

I Confess that last Friday we thought we had all our paperwork together and so we quickly mailed it off to our agency. Monday morning we received a new form that must be signed and notarized... It just never ends.

I Confess that its a beautiful 'spring' day here - the sun is shining and the snow is melting. All we have now is that yucky, dirty brown snow and so i hope it snows again. The world is so much prettier when the snow is clean and white.

Confession Friday

2011-02-11T14:10:00.002-05:00

I confess that its Friday and i have the day off!! Beautiful bliss!! I have next Friday off too - i could learn to like this :)

I confess that my excitement for today has included cleaning and laundry and cooking a real dinner instead of 'something fast' and possibly some ironing - exciting stuff. Mike came home at noon and will do some painting this afternoon!

I confess that it is exciting to get these things done in the day time instead of in the evening after work

I confess that i should have thought about how big our house is when we bought it. I thought a big house would be great - it is - until you have to clean it.

I confess that i went to aquafit this week for the first time in many years. It was good but my calves are still paying me back.

I confess that i feel so bad for Ruth and the other families who did not pass court today. Things change and new 'rules' happen and all of a sudden it's a red tape nightmare.

I confess that we got the last piece of paper we need for our update. It is being sent off to Imagine today!!

I confess that this whole merger thing has still got me anxious but its another lesson in 'going with the flow' cause we just don't have a choice. More info will be nice to set us all at ease.

Reality Check

2011-02-10T20:19:00.002-05:00

Funny how just when i am starting to feel positive about the adoption, that you get a reality check. Yesterday we found out that Imagine is merging with an existing adoption agency in Ontario. Hmmm, interesting. They say that things shouldn't change and that it should all be good. Hmmm, interesting.
So many things run through my head.
How can a small agency just take on so many new clients and serve us all well? I am sure the existing clients aren't too pleased, I know I wouldn't be.
Will this make a difference in our adoption? Maybe things will be more efficient. Maybe things will be less efficient. Maybe, maybe, maybe. It just goes to prove that we have no control over this whole process. That is the most frustrating thing to me. We have absolutely no control over what is happening in our lives. So many people make decisions that effect us and we have to deal with it.
I do feel bad for the Imagine employees. They will be let go and i am guessing the new agency will need to hire more folks to deal with all of our files. But will these people have experience with E?? I am really hoping that our file can be renewed and sent off to E before the change over happens. It would be even better to get our referral before the change over happens but that is a bit overly optimistic.
Sheesh - i am just a bit stunned by all of this. You just have to wonder what will come next. Change is always hard - no doubt about it. But like i said earlier- I just feel so helpless in this whole thing - just along for the ride. Hopefully those making these choices are making good ones for all involved... I do realized that we need to be grateful that our adoption is still continuing at all after the whole bankruptcy thing.
When we started this crazy ride i had no idea how many twists and turns we would take. Not sure how many more I can handle. I am really hoping that this new change will turn out to be a good one and nothing will be interrupted and all will continue to move along as planned. Please let it be so.

the upswing

2011-02-05T14:04:00.003-05:00

yep - its true. I feel like i am on the 'upswing'. We have seen some movement again with a few referrals. Congrats to Tammy and Sid and big sister Josina!! Its great to see our name climbing higher to the top of the list!

We met with our AP this week to sign off on our Home study update. Now all we are waiting on is our HIV tests. They should be in by this week and then this paper scramble will be done...for now. I know its never really ever done...

It was great to have dinner this week with a friend who has just returned from court. What a great time we had looking at pictures of her son and imaging what it will be like for us to take that trip! What a treasure to learn from others who have experienced what we will experience! It was very reassuring to me- yes we can do this- yes we can see our baby and then get on a plane and come home. She told me it was easier leaving knowing how well they were being taken care of and the very apparent love they staff have for the kids. Those things make it easier but its still so very hard. All of a sudden it was 10:30 - time flies when you have so much in common!

It's starting to feel like we could get our referral 'any time'. My friend reminded me that they were at #15 when they got theirs and so you just never know. This is a new kind of crazy that we are entering. Can it really be happening after all this time? Hard to believe. Could this really be 'the year'? Hard to believe. Is there actually going to be a kid in that dusty crib we have had for sooo long? Its hard to believe - but we do believe and its getting exciting again. It's that sick to your stomach kind of exciting... Mike's dream really is becoming real to me and so i believe...

Confession Tuesday?

2011-01-25T20:48:00.004-05:00

I see from my blogging friends that confession is good for the soul. Since i actually feel like posting, I am sure you won't mind that i am confessing on a Tuesday and not on Friday :) Here goes:

I confess (0n a Tuesday) that:

*we didn't go to the 'adoption people' get together in Cambridge. In fact we haven't gone to one yet. I want to meet you folks and yet i just find it too hard until we have our kid to take with us. I know lots of people are encouraged when they go, but i think we will wait. We did however attend the screening of "Operation Babylift". This was a movie about orphans that were airlifted from Vietnam at the end of the war and then adopted to American and Canadian families.

*i confess that both Mike and I cried at different times during the movie -sorry Mike but you are confessing here too :) Not only did the film chronicle the lives of adoptees but also an adoptee and his wife as they adopted from Vietnam. It is a very powerful film and i could definitely relate to their journey.

*i confess that it surprised me to see Mike's post about his dream. I loved that! He rarely remembers his dreams - me, i have crazy dreams all the time and we should be so lucky that none of them 'come true'. I am counting on his dream coming true. He is convinced that we are getting a girl...

*i confess the 'hard stuff' is still hard but i am learning (again and again and again) that all i can do is pray.

*i confess that for a while i didn't believe that praying made a difference. I questioned...a lot. Now i know that my faith has been stretched and strengthened. I am learning that when all i can do is pray - that it's enough.

*i confess that the paper work is almost done. For some reason it has seemed hard to get it together. Could be that i was just plan mad that we had to re-do it in the first place.

*i confess that i was jealous when Kendra posted that it was easy to get her update done...

*i confess that as soon (literally seconds) as our AP walked out of our house at our last home visit, i found the biggest dust bunny known to man.

*i confess that this year at work i was able to carry over 2 weeks of vacation. i figured it would be good to have extra for when we travel. But, man could i use a holiday!!!

*i confess that L getting a referral was the second highlight of last week!

*the first highlight was my friend A calling to say they have 'a match'!!! So exciting. Can't wait to hear more and to meet your little man!!!!!

*i confess that the highlight of this week was seeing the photos of B&A and sweet baby A!!!! that made my heart happy - congrats guys

Do dreams come true?

2011-01-22T07:02:00.005-05:00

We are still alive! We have not been totally buried by the latest batch of paperwork, but sometimes it seems that way! I (Mike) tried to sleep in today, but I had the most incredible dream and couldn't get back to sleep. It's my first "daddy dream", and I needed to share it with someone! (Brenda is still sleeping, and I know better than to wake her up!). So here's how the dream unfolded: We were at some sort of family function, not sure who's family, I didn't really recognize anyone. We were in a room with a bed, TV, and some of our stuff, maybe we were staying over? Brenda was reading a book and playing with a cute little African girl, who looked to be about 2yrs. old. She was perfect, big beautiful eyes, winning smile, and crazy curly hair (of which I am jealous!). Then she came over to where I was sitting in a rocking chair watching a movie or something on the TV. She climbed up into my lap, and settled in all warm and cuddly while I rocked back and forth. She turned to me after a while and said "faster!", that's when I knew she was our child (only on of my kids would not be satisfied with rocking slowly!). Later we were down the hallway, and everyone was getting food from the kitchen. Wouldn't you know, our little girl had gotten grandma to get her some ice cream! She was then leading grandma down the hall to a quieter room to "hide-out" while they spoiled their dinner! So, that was it, at that point I woke up and haven't been able to get that dream out of my head. I sure hope this one comes true!

been a while

2010-12-07T17:12:00.002-05:00

Its time for my catch up blog entry. I guess i am learning that i am not exactly a true blogger. I really haven't felt the need to share for a while. I have also learned that when I am going through 'stuff', that silence is more my style. It would be great to vent and get it out there but its all pretty private/not blog type stuff. Its been a tough fall - with 'stuff'. I am sick of 'stuff''.

Anyhoo - enough of that. I am starting to feel better about adoption 'stuff'. I will be honest and say that it would have been easy to quit this adoption this fall. It just seemed like enough was enough. No movement for way too long, than one or two referrals and then not much happening. Since then things have been really moving! In November there were 18 referrals and it feels like things are really happening again. Of coarse you can never be sure of much, but we are thankful to see thing happening again. We are still working on our updates and i have been kind of dragging my feet a bit and so, it seems like its really time to get it done so that we can be ready for our referral. It's starting to feel real again and I am starting to 'dream' again...hopefully this is the real deal and we can get on with it and get our referral already!!!!! When people ask me why we stick with it, I tell them that we are confidant that our first child is meant to come from Ethiopia. We are confidant that God has a plan that involves adoption and this child to be part of our lives. If we did not feel that we wouldn't be waiting.

Other than that all is well. We are getting ready for Christmas - got the decorating done but that's about it. Hopefully this weekend some baking will happen and some shopping too. Mike and i are planning a holiday and that is fun as well.

So, that's it for now. Yes, we are still alive. Its just been a tough time. I am still reading all of you and keeping up - just been a bit quiet.

Monthly update

2010-09-30T20:24:00.004-04:00

It's about time for an update. Looks like i am lucky to get one post done a month. Usually on a day to day basis i feel like i have nothing to say - but then when i finally find the time to post, its a long one!!!! So, hold on your your seats, we got some catching up to do.

On the adoption front - we are still updating our homestudy. We have just about everything together and will soon need to meet with our AP (adoption practitioner) so that she can take another look at our house and decide if anything has changed with us in the last 2 years. Actually lots has changed. A few minor things like Mike getting a new job and some reno's on our house. But i think i have changed in the last 2 years. Some of it isn't so great - like not so quick to trust and being a bit more pessimistic in regards to this adoption business- all courtesy of a certain bankruptcy. But on the flip side i think i have healed also in the last 2 years. i am in a good place right now. Babies are being born around me and I am good with it. Friends and loved ones are all very considerate and compassionate when 'breaking' their good and happy news with me and I really appreciate that. I believe I am in a much better place now than I was 2 years ago. 2 years ago i might/would have started down the 'why them and not us' road. I can honestly say that i am happy for my friends and loved ones - yippee for you! I still hate the fact that we have to re-do this paper work. grrrr and when i see teenage 'children' parenting babies that boils my blood. We have also found out recently that we need to re-evaluate our age request. They can no longer promise that infants will become available. There is a lot more time consuming paperwork needed which causes those babies to age quite a bit before they are able to be referred. This has taken some time to become used to but I am learning to roll with the punches a bit more. We have no choice. Am i sad that i will miss those early baby months?? Of coarse, but I am getting used to the idea and i have seen the trends changing for a while and so you just go with it. mostly i am good. :)

Reno's - We have another room pretty much finished!!!! Our spare room has had some drywall finished, painting done (nice mauve colour - pics to follow!) All that is left is painting of the floor and some trim and its done. Of coarse in my head I am on to the next 2 projects :) and am waiting for Mike to catch up with my ideas!! Next is our bedroom. I have picked a great colour called 'black pepper'. Can't wait. and it fits with our food themed paint colours so it is 'meant to be'!!!

Wedding!!!! What an amazing weekend!!!! We had just a wonderful time celebrating my friends D&T! It was a beautiful setting and just a wonderful time. Pics below. Congrats to my wonderful friends!!!!

Fall - Fall has hit Ontario big time. The cool weather, the rain!! Seems like the hot, hot humid summer just stopped over night and boom - sweater time. We have enjoyed lots of fall activities like our local fair, the Apple Butter and Cheese Festival and much more. We also have enjoyed taking my nephew to University to see his campus and dorm. Very cool. How did i become old enough to have a nephew in University??? I am sure when we were visiting we were labeled in the 'parent' category. Well, I can say we are extremely proud of him and glad he is having a blast.

Dentist - yes you heard right. Today i made an appointment to see a dentist. This might not seem like a big deal to most. But, i have a huge fear of all things dental and so have avoided such things for an extremely embarrassingly long time. Today, out of nowhere i got the courage to call. My hands were sweating and my stomach was churning. I made the appointment. This is not joke people, its very real. i HATE it and it totally freaks me out. Ask me in 2 weeks how it went and say a little (or big )prayer for me on October 14th.

Anyhoo -that must be about all for now. Sorry for not being around lately. I still lurk on all your blogs when I am silent and learn and mourn and cry and rejoice with and pray for all of you when I am silent. Thanks for your patience.

And now for pics of the wedding. Enjoy!!!

Summertime, holidays and paper work

2010-08-17T10:38:00.007-04:00

By now its the middle of August. I can not believe where the summer has gone. I love summer. I dream of it all year long. Remind me next February when i am dreaming of summer - that summer was really crazy hot and humid this year!! Last year we complained about our cool and rainy summer and this year we complain about our hot and muggy summer. Guess you just can't win. Last night i asked Mike to turn the fan off cause i was feeling cool, He checked and our house was still at 27. Hmmm guess i am getting acclimatized. Anyhoo, i didn't intend this post to be a weather complaint. I have much more important things to complain about. Before we get to that here are some shots from our week of camping at the end of July. We had a great time!!!!!!! It was hot - but we already covered that. The beach there was nice and the water was warm!!!! Our camera is broken : ( and so we only have a few shots from our holiday. The first is of our new second home. Lovingly referred to as our new 'condo'. Now some may and do mock at such a tent for just 2 people - somehow i managed to fill it up and use all the space with no problems. What i love the most is that i can stand fully upright and therefore my back is grateful.

This 'little' guy was our welcoming committee. We had been in our site for about 10 minutes before he swooped in. His wing span was about 3 feet or so. He sat in the tree for quite a while and finally turned his head all the way around to look at me when i talked to it. i was kind of relieved when it left again - it sort of freaked me out!!!

So, Holidays were good. Of coarse they are never long enough. But after a total of 8 nights in the tent i was happy to come home again.

D&T's wedding is coming up fast and furious. There have been showers and dress fittings and bachelorette weekends and all the fun stuff that comes along with it. Can't wait to show some pics of the big day!!

I also happen to be on holiday this week. Just me this time, Mike is working on the farm now and so holidays are in short supply during summer. So, i am amusing myself here at home. Doing the stuff i never seem to get around to doing and also just taking it easy in general. I have been trying to choose paint colours. Our spare bedroom is now ready for paint. I think i have the colour for that one down - a grey/purple colour. But it's our master bedroom that has me stumped. The bedspread has quite a few colours in it from a silvery blue to mauve's. Hmm. I am really not sure where to go with this one, so I am taking the whole king size comforter to the paint store later this afternoon for some help and guidance. With all the errands i have on my list, I am sure the week will fly by.

The biggest errand on my list is updating our paper work. ugh. I hated doing this paper work the first time - 2 years ago and i realize that i still hate it now. We got an email in July (while on first holiday) telling us it was time to get working on it...and here we are with nothing done. Now, the email does say that there is always a chance that we could get a referral before our stuff expires in October. But i think its safe to say that this is not going to happen. We are still about 42ish on 'the list' and October is not that far off. In fact, the way things are going our file will probably expire before i get everything updated. Wouldn't it just be my luck to be the one causing the delay. So, its on to the second round of fingerprints, police checks, physicals, and a new homestudy update.

So, that's what we've been up to. We are still alive. I see the ticker now says 1 year, 10 months and 3 days - are we almost there? Are we getting close?? Some days i wonder if that ticker will be ticking for the rest of my life. Hopefully we will hear some referral news soon and maybe my next post will be so say the paper work is done.

6 times a bridesmaid...

2010-07-17T13:29:00.012-04:00

What a walk down memory lane. It was kind of fun to first of all search all those old photo albums (remember photo albums - we used to actually print photos, put them in books and then look at them??) Lots of memories tied up in these photos! Happy to say that all of these couples are still together in a day and age where that isn't' necessarily the case. I know that they all love me and so, if i get some dates wrong they will forgive this old brain of mine.

We start our fashion show in the early 90's. 1990 to be exact. This happy couple is my sister Sheri and hubby Larry. May of 1990 - they just celebrated their 20th anniversary with a cruise. You will find me, with my wonderful hairstyle, standing beside the groom. Note the POOFY sleeves - very stylish in the day - and the white nylons and shoes.

The very next year - May 1991 was my cousin Lyndon and his bride Kerrie's turn. Floral was really in! This is the one bridesmaid dress i actually wore quite a bit after the wedding.

August 1992 was Tim and Deb's turn - although I see I don't have a pic of Tim. He was there, I promise. This time it was pretty in pink. The bride designed these dresses herself along with her own gown. I was living in SK at the time and my dress was made in less than a week!

Dress #4 comes courtesy of Chris and Lorie. I actually had long hair then and so had a funky, twisty updo. This one is August 1999. Got to wear this one twice as we also attended a reception in Calgary - home town to Chris and the place they now reside.

Number 5 is cousin Wendy and beau Mika. I actually had a hand in setting these two up :) Good times. This one is August 2002.

And last but not least #6 is my brother Brad and bride Val. This on was October 2003. This one was a skirt and top and we all got to choose our own style. Very kind of the bride :)

Stay tuned for dress #7. I am working on getting better tan lines - the pressure of a strapless dress at the end of the summer is huge!!!! This will be my first 'beach' wedding and it will be a blast.

one year ago...

2010-07-13T19:30:00.003-04:00

Hard to believe its been a year since the bankruptcy. I was at work when i got a flurry of emails. I thought maybe it was a rumour or who knew what. Then i got a phone call. I was in shock. I was numb. All i could think of was that we would never be parents, our money was gone. I came home and woke up Mike who was still working nights at that point. He called our AP - i was too shaky. She didn't know anything. He called our lawyer to see what we could do. Our lawyer happens to be a partner with Ted G and so he was able to confirm that what we heard was true. How could the sky be blue and the sun be shining when our world was falling apart. Here is what i wrote:

yesterday our world fell apart. Our dreams and our hearts have been crushed. we are numb. We found out that our agency - Imagine Adoption has gone bankrupt. This pretty much means the end of our adoption. We choose this agency and this route because we felt it was our best chance of having a family - ever. The thought of getting into another line some where else is just so insane right now. Some say there may be hope for our file and another agency picking us up as clients but i doubt they will do it for free and we are at our limit. we are grieving the loss of our child and the hope that we once had.We are thankful for our friends and families. for the calls and emails and facebooks and cookies. we haven't responded much - we will in time. we just need time to process. if you want to know details - check out the imagine website - globe and mail - CTV - any news site - its everywhere. We are also thankful for your prayers - cause right now we don't have the words to say so we are counting on you to lift us up. we know we are not the only ones - there are so many just like us. we have all suffered so much already and this just seems to be so surreal.

Friends and family came over and offered support and prayers. I felt so lost. In the months to come we realized that the agency could be saved. I had no idea. And here we are, one year later - with referrals happening and kids home from the new agency.

Lately I have been about as low as the time of the bankruptcy. This experience has changed me. I am not as trusting as i used to be. I don't get quite as excited about referrals - ours just seems so far away. But just yesterday i was reminded that what i have been through is nothing compared to wondering where your next meal will come from or the knowledge that you can not afford to raise your own child. Its been a time to refocus. Yes, i have been hurt by this whole ordeal but my 'suffering/pain' is nothing compared to what our child or our child's birth mom has/will go through. So, maybe i have learned some perspective.

Some of the people affected by the bankruptcy now have their children home. Congrats to you. May you savor each moment with your new families. Some are still in the process like us - keep on keeping on. I do believe. Some had to drop out of the program and have taken different steps to grow their family. Some had to drop out of the program and their dream of family has been ended. I am so sorry, I have no words but i know your pain.

This is not an anniversary I want to keep or to 'celebrate'. But it is good to look back and see where we have come from in the past year and to be thankful for that. I do believe in miracles.

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-19T19:00:00.002-04:00

To Mike: You are going to be the best dad! In my mind I can see you with our children. I can see you teaching them, playing with them, caring for them and it makes me smile. I am know how well you look after me and i know you will do the same for our kids some day. Happy Father's Day.

To the 'other' Men in my life :) My dad - when i was finding someone to spend my life with, all i had to do was to look to you and mom and try to find what you have. You have always been there for me - no matter what kind of crazy thing i was up to. You have supported me in everything and taught me so much. And, we have a lot of fun!! You have the Cober cheating gene - we are always watching - don't worry. To my Father in Law - i don't feel like i have had enough time getting to know you before you left for Africa. I want to thank you for welcoming me into the family and accepting me for who i am. I also want to thank you for raising this man to be who he is. That doesn't happen by accident.

I also have a whole bunch of uncles and cousins - and even a 'time-share-Dad' - men who have influenced my life and been part of my 'circle'. It sure does take a village! I am glad that you will be part of our children's lives as well.

So, Happy Father's Day to all the men out there. May you all know how much you are appreciated and loved.

the latest and some 'after pics'

2010-06-17T17:14:00.021-04:00

no, i haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Just about but not quite. Its quite possible that no one is reading this anyway...but here i am back again.

Actually -that was half my problem - the old sciatic reared its ugly head again. ugh. i am feeling much better - but this time its been about 3 weeks of crap and limping along. I am still a bit sore but am feeling so much better.

It's June - well and almost July. We just passed our 20 month mark. 20 months of waiting...what to say???! We have had many family events lately - and i always have lots of questions about when this baby will be showing up. You know, ever since we started my answer has been - 'about another year or so'. This has been my answer and I don't see it changing any time soon.

So, what else have we been up to? Prior to the back going out -there was lots of gardening and some work on our famous 'reno of 2008'. This could have something to do with the back...but you gotta live your life! The long weekend in May we got down to work and FINISHED the baby room and the hall!!!! Can you believe it??! What a relief/accomplishment!!!!! It looks really great. My hubby gets all the props here - i just did a bit of painting and changing my mind -'i want it here - no, over here, no - back to the first place' :)

So, here are some pics to show you the finished project. Now, we still have one bedroom to complete - but we aren't talking about that right now :) I also have MANY ideas for the next 4 or so projects. I would really like to get 3 of these done before baby comes - and the way things are going that probably won't be a problem.

So, here are some "before's" to refresh your memory. We didn't have a digital camera when we moved in, so don't have many shots of these spaces and really, those are memories best forgotten!!

Here is baby's room in its purple glory.

Imagine crusty matching purple carpet, no insulation and questionable wiring.

Same room - striped down to the studs and new drywall going up!

Our hall.
Bigger than my first apartment!

Features 6 doors plus a closet!

Picture ucky, icky painted over panelling and about a

gazillion years of grimy dirt that stuck to the flat paint - ugh.

Tada!!!

The baby's room

Furniture placement still pending. We will decorate once we find out who will be living here. Probably some pink for a girl (surprise) or some denim and blues for a boy.

A brand new room, complete with new windows, wiring, insulation, closets with organizers and new paint on the floor.

"The" Hall!!!

Complete with the first pair of curtains in the whole house, new light fixtures, linen closet and straight walls. Flooring to come...

Wow - what a change! It feels so good to see some progress being made on our house. I will be so happy when each room has a new look! This of coarse will take many more years - but i knew that when we moved in. We have a 30 year plan!!

Fair Trade Day

2010-05-19T20:42:00.002-04:00

In all my business I totally missed Fair Trade Day. It was May 8th. Well, better late than never.
I work at Ten Thousand Villages. I have worked there for almost 10 years now. I love the mission of Fair Trade and the relationships we have made with folks all over the world. From the web site: Often referred to as 'Fair Trade,' our philosophy of helping to build a sustainable future is based on the principle that trade should have a conscience. Through Fair Trade artisans receive the respect, dignity and hope that comes from working hard and earning fair value for their work. Check out Villages at - www.tenthousandvillages.ca

Unfortunately we don't sell any crafts from Ethiopia. We do however sell Coffee from Ethiopia. It is produced by a Fair Trade company called Level Ground Trading. Their website is www.levelground.com. You can buy their coffee in our stores or online. Its great stuff.

I have found another Canadian Fair Trade website that does offer products from Ethiopia. They are called Nationwares and have some beautiful silk scarves and some other jewellery. Give them a look at: http://www.nationwares.com/hello.html

All three of these sites give all the info on Fair Trade that you could ever need - much better than I can. The coffee and chocolate we sell is AMAZING. I am so sold on the 'Divine' Chocolate - it has me so addicted :) We also have some pretty great jewellery - take a look. And kids books - "My Granny Went to Market" is highly recommended as well as lots of different Putumayo titles. Next time you are shopping for that perfect little something for your home, or someones birthday, or that gift for a teacher - or some great coffee beans - try Fair Trade.

Busy..

2010-05-16T17:35:00.005-04:00

I know i had vowed to blog more often but man has it been busy lately!! I don't like it when we are out every night of the week and then all weekend - and that seemed to be our life for the last 3 weeks. It was all good stuff - but for me (little old home body) it took its toll! I had a beautiful sleep in yesterday and now i am feeling more myself again.

In the mean time, i missed our 1 year and 7th month waiting for our referral. I feel like its getting close. It could actually be this year...you never know. It is starting to feel good again, which is good.

Also, Congrats to cyber friends Alysia and Derrick on the birth of their beautiful son Levi. Their blog is at the right there. What a ride they have been on in the past year. What a great example of relying on God through heartbreak and in utter joy. That baby is the cutest ever!!! So happy for you!!!

So, what has kept you so busy you might ask?

It seems that April and May were 'babysitting weekends' for Uncle Mike and Auntie Brenda. The first weekend saw an overnight visit from Kyle and AJ. Kyle and Uncle Mike had the pleasure of attending Canada's Wonderland with the youth group for the day on the Saturday. I think Mike is learning his limits when it comes to roller coasters. As for AJ and I - well we spent a great day together. AJ is going to be 2 in August - but he still likes to be rocked to sleep and takes a few bottles, so we had some significant snuggle time. However, except for those special times the boy does not stop. Seriously, he is BUSY. Man, i knew we would have fun - but can you just slow down? I did baby proof our house - but we have 2 staircases going up and not enough baby gates could keep this one down. By 8:30 in the morning i knew we would have a long day :) I had actually planned to do a little photo diary of our day together and post it - but for one, who had time to find the camera and 2 all you would get is a blur of AJ as he runs past :) So, we went for a long walk, followed by a long nap (he plays hard but sleeps hard and long too), then went to my brother's farm to see the cows, visited my mom's and eventually i wore him down.

AJ is super good. I may have dragged him away from the stairs about a million times and told him not to touch Auntie Brenda's pretty star a few thousand times - but he just would turn and find some other mischief to get into. No tantrums, no hissy fits - just good natured trouble on 2 wheels :)

Our next two weekends we 'babysat' my niece and nephew. They are 15 and 17 and so supervision would be more appropriate. My sister and hubby went off to celebrate their 20th anniversary on a sweet cruise. The first weekend we went to their house (hour and a half away). They have a life you know...So Mike and i hung out at their place - played wii and watched some movies. During the week they were on their own and then the second weekend they came to our house - once again, more fun shopping, watching movies and the like. Dayna even helped me clean out my closet. If you have trouble getting rid of stuff just get a 15 year old fashionista to help. I got rid of 5 garbage bags of clothes. The first rule was, anything older than Dayna was gone without question - and there were a few things!! :) Don't know why i hold on to that old stuff - i was told that even if i could wear it - i shouldn't so, bye bye!!!! Feels good to be rid of that 'baggage' and now there is room to do some more shopping :)

This weekend we have had a child free home. Its been quite and a bit more tidy. A nice break but we miss them too. Friday night I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate a friend's birthday. I haven't laughed so much in such a long time!!! We also celebrated the engagement of my best friend. I have not smiled so big as when i saw that beautiful ring and heard the story of their engagement. Oh so happy for them!!!! Gonna be a bridesmaid for the 7th time and can't wait. Its a beautiful love story, let me tell you. My girlfriend is a blessed woman to have been wooed by such a man. And he is blessed to be in love with such a wonderful person who will be a wonderful mother to his 4 girls. It really is story-book kind of stuff and does my heart good to see such a happy time for all. By the way, I have decided to give you all a fashion show of my wardrobe of bridesmaid dresses. It sure is something - we've got floral, we've got pink satin, we've got satin died shoes, I think we've got it all!!! I am so happy for these 2 that i would wear a paper bag if that is what she wanted.

And to top off a great weekend, my wonderful hubby gave me a nice surprise. He let me sleep in on Saturday = beautiful bliss!!! Then when i got up i couldn't find him. We live in an old house and so its not unusual that we can't find each other and so i sat around, waking up and waited for him to find me. But an hour passed and still no Mike. Here, he was outside digging up my flower beds for me. What a guy!!!! Now, all i need to do is the shopping :) and planting. What a great surprise for me!

So, its been a bit busy! Things are starting to slow down on our calender - even have a few extra days off coming up. The plan is to get working on that reno we started in 2008 - remember that one?! The one where we were getting a room ready for the baby?! Hopefully i will have some 'finished' photos next week at this time!!!

Of coarse never far from my thoughts is our sweet baby to be. Looking after AJ was a bit like playing house. It was nice to know that at the end of the day i did just fine and managed on my own with him with no issues :) Rocking him in the baby's room brought me lots of pondering of times to come. Even though we don't know our baby, he is never far from my thoughts. I imagine what it would be like in each circumstance to be bringing our baby here or there or how they would like this experience or that thing we are doing. Or how we will be doing things much differently when we have baby home. One year and 7 months is a long time to wait for our baby - but we can't wait to see your face little one, and so we wait with anticipation!!

Tugging at a Dad's heart (or dad to be)

2010-05-14T19:36:00.004-04:00

Brenda and I listen to country music. (You'll guess by now that it's Mike's turn to blog again). There are very few times that I get... um... well... emotional, so it took me by surprise when I heard a song on the radio the other day. If you listen to any Canadian country station, you'e probably heard a song called I've haven't even heard you cry by Aaron Lines. Here are the lyrics from the chorus:

And I haven't even heard you cry

I haven't even looked into your eyes

I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life

And I don't even know your name

But I know I'll never be the same

Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly

And I haven't even heard you cry

So, as you can see, these lines really got me thinking about our precious baby somewhere in Ethiopia. I still get choked up when I hear this song on the radio, and I do my best to keep it together (no one wants to see a mechanic crying when he's trying to fix a piece of farm machinery!). Someday I'll be able to tell our son or daughter this story, and laugh about how many times I thought of them even before I knew thier name.

missed one

2010-04-17T13:07:00.002-04:00

This week i missed our 1 year and 6 months - waiting for our referral. Well - i actually didn't miss it - just didn't feel like it was worth celebrating - but it really is. 18 months is pretty big. Actually, this week for the first time in a long time (with the announcement of 2 referrals) it feels like I can get excited about the adoption actually happening. It even feels like it could be possible that we might get our referral this year - and hope of all hopes that we just might (??) travel on the first trip this year?? I know its an ambitious goal but it could really happen. A little hope is a dangerous thing - but hope can also be good. Even started thinking about what kind of travelling we might do on our first trip. Its kind of exciting to feel hopeful again.

learning

2010-04-17T11:51:00.007-04:00

Some times it would be nice to not have to learn new things. As a kid i looked at the adults around me and figured once you got to a certain age you just knew everything. Hmmm. Learning i suppose is good. Its good to keep growing and stretching and learning.

This week i really felt so overwhelmed by situations. Situations that involve people i love. And these are things i have no control over, things I can't fix or even help with. It hurts. It hurts to know there is nothing i can do to help and it hurts to know that these people i love hurt. I just felt so helpless. I am a helper - I want to be the one to help but at this point that is not my job. I know my job is to pray. My faith felt so small and i wondered if this would be enough - it would be easier to be doing something - anything. I know this is part of my learning and stretching and growing.

Then we got this email from our Pastor Tom :

I want to share another verse with you that has so personally edified me this past year.

Psalm 56:8 - "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record?" (NIV)

I also like the ESV - "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

I have cried more in the past year than at any other period in my life, and with good reason. But what strikes me about this verse is that every single tear drop has not escaped the ever watchful and compassionate eye of my Father. My tears are precious to Him; He collects them and records them.

Maybe you've been crying lately, as the struggles of life have squeezed you. If not, at some point you will cry, as life will inescapably squeeze you. Remember, dear one, how valuable you are to your Heavenly Father. Every tear drop your eyes would release is treated as a rare find by the God of the universe. That is comfort. That is hope. That is the nearness of God.

God not only hears my prayers but he is collecting my tears - and there have been many tears. I felt like God was so far away when in reality He was close enough to collect my tears. How much closer is he to my loved ones in their times of struggle. It is not always my job to fix things - what a lesson that is - its a hard one for me. But i do take comfort and find hope and rest in this promise - our tears are a treasure.

what to say

2010-04-08T20:15:00.004-04:00

I said i would start posting more - but seriously - we are boring people. There is not alot going on in our lives right now - besides the get up, go to work, come home, go to bed kind of stuff. Folks with writing skills make taking a trip to the dentist sound exciting and blog worthy - and i do get a chuckle out of their stories - but you really don't come to this here blog looking for fun like that. You could give me suggested topics and I could try to come up with something...

We did have a good Easter. I was wonderfully sunny and warm. We did family stuff which is good and can also lead to stress and so i am sure you don't want to hear about it. I did colour some Easter eggs and helped my niece decorate cupcakes -that was fun!! I also got a great pedicure and have now deemed it summer and refuse to wear sock until October.

We did watch The Blind Side. Should have seen it before all the hype. It was a good story but i really didn't think the movie was all that I heard it was.

We did play Rock Band Country - which was pretty hilarious. I rocked out a few songs and also learned that i do not have one ounce of rhythm - we will leave the drum solo's to Mike for sure.

I do wanna send a shout out to a few blogging friends. Friends who are on the cusp of giddy excitement. One friend and hubby are waiting patiently to hear of the birth of their soon to be baby boy in Florida. I check their blog only about a gazillion times a day to see what the latest is. Congrats you guys - you will be on a plane before you know it. Then there are 2 other families that are just on the verge of a referral. I can just feel it. Looking forward to hearing about your big news any day now. I actually fear how i will handle things when we are that close to our referral - i will be a basket case no doubt and a wreck. Poor Mike. Anyhoo - since we have no news - its great to walk with you and your good news.

Strength for today...

2010-03-31T16:58:00.012-04:00

I have decided to get back to blogging. I have been fairly silent lately. The sun is shining, more referrals have been announced last week and we have a day off on Friday!!! These are good things!

Last night was also a good night for me. I met 5 other mom's who are in various stages of adoption from Ethiopia. The blogging community is great for support - but to actually meet with people in person and talk about life is great! So, here is a shout out to my new pals!!!! Looking forward to seeing you all again and one day meeting your kids!!!

Now for a topic switch - i love music - all sorts of music. Today, out of the blue an old time hymn popped into my head. The whole song is really great. At times in my life I haven't been able to sing the whole thing. I haven't always 'felt' it but that doesn't mean it's not true. Today the line "strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow" played in my head over and over and over. I have been wanting strength for the rest of this journey - and all i really need is strength for today. The whole journey wears me down, the bumps in the road wear me down - all i need is strength for today. I have been learning lately to take smaller bites - don't try to do everything at once - one day at a time. God is faithful and will provide the 'strength for today and the bright hope for tomorrow'.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

step back

2010-03-24T19:32:00.002-04:00

What a crazy ride its been lately! I won't say that i am all good now with everything that has been going on - but i will say that I am learning to roll with the punches. The whole travel thing - well, financially it really sucks and emotionally it will be hard but i can live with it. The hold on adoptions is a bit more tough. There have actually been 3 referrals announced this week, so we are not sure if things are rolling again or if these were exceptions. Either way we are pleased that our number is decreasing. At work i have made up a number count down device - just a pad of paper with numbers on it - nothing too brilliant- but each time i hear about a referral i get to rip that page off - and it feels pretty good. To make it even more exciting i shred the old number :) It's actually quite therapeutic!!!
Anyhoo - that's about all that's new with me. I have stepped 'away from the edge' - mostly anyway. I think its safe to say that those of us who made it through the bankruptcy this summer still have pretty tender hearts. For me, I am doing the best that I can and trusting in God's plan for this family.

2010-03-11T19:25:00.002-05:00

First off - let me say that today its been 2 years and one day since we started this adoption. Wow - last year while we were blissfully eating our wat and injera we had no clue that we would still be waiting and waiting and waiting a year later. And today i really don't see that wait getting any shorter or easier.
We have hit a new bump in the road. I already mentioned that referrals have slowed down to a stand still and today we hear something new. We will now have to travel twice to Ethiopia. Once at the time of court date to appear before the judge. Then we will get to see our precious baby, hold him/her in our arms and then get on a plane and come home to wait another 4 months or so till the rest of the paperwork is complete. Then we get to fly back.
Now, I completely understand the reasoning on both of these road blocks. They truly both have the best interests of the child in mind. But today i wonder how much more i can take. The thoughts of meeting my baby and then leaving it are beyond words. I can only imagine its hard enough to see the photos but to hold him and then let go.
Financially we will be stretched to afford 2 visits. Fortunately due to the generosity of our friends and families our trust fund will probably cover almost all of it. I am sure there are others who will have a very difficult time coming up with the extra $$.
I keep reminding myself that we are extremely confidant that this is God's plan for us. This child is God's plan for us and we are His plan for our child. This is the only thing that keeps me sane.

discouraged

2010-03-09T18:05:00.005-05:00

The past few months i have tried very hard to keep a positive attitude. We are so happy that our adoption will still happen...but why the extra bumps along the road??? I know that they are to be expected with adoption - i should be used to this. But right now i feel like enough is enough!!! We found out last week (without going into details - too tired for details) that more referrals aren't likely any time soon. It is most likely a temporary thing - and in reality it protects the best interests of the children which we all know is the most important thing. But what could it hurt for the rest of this process to go ahead smoothly??? Just when i start feeling really good and optimistic than boom/bam/smash and it feels like we are back at square one. Sorry everyone - just feeling kind of crappy about this whole thing. The sun is shinning and it feels like spring and I feel like crap.
Anyhoo - we did have a nice weekend away, just hubby and me. It was a last minute, spontaneous decision and boy did i need it. Retail therapy always works wonders - and who doesn't like a spiffy looking mommy in waiting? Mike did allow me to by two baby things - a very-cute-gender-neutral-soft-baby-doll. So cute and cuddly. and a really great book that he found.
So, thats my grumble for today - please bring on the good news. Everyone chant with me now - GOOD NEWS, GOOD NEWS, GOOD NEWS.

February??

2010-02-23T13:29:00.003-05:00

Hi all!!! I am back!
I have wondered what happened to February?? So hard to believe that the month is almost over.

The surgery went well. Gall bladder and little buddy are now a thing of the past. My first surgical experience went fairly well. Some of the highlights - getting 'stuck' 7 times before a successful IV got started, having the power go off in the hospital (actually i didn't even notice, the generator kicked in right away - but we did have to wait an extra 1 1/2 hours till it came back on to start the surgery and there was the threat of having to cancel the surgery - i said no way - i just got the crazy IV started!!!!!), having some nice nurses and one not nice Dr., good drugs :) and then an hour or so later getting sent home. Can i just say - is it illegal to have gowns that tie up in the back?????? I mentioned to the nurse that mine didn't have any ties - and he said - honey none of them do - WHY NOT???!!!!! just saying

It was all good and i have recovered well. I am back at work this week for a few 1/2 days - still some tenderness and sitting for long periods isn't that great. Mike was a good nurse per usual and i also got baby sat by my mom and sister and niece. I was a handful!!! :) I enjoyed the Olympic viewing and also read a few good books.

While i was down and out we celebrated another month of waiting - 16 to be exact. Wow. I would have never guessed that in February 2010 we would still be waiting for a referral when we started this whole thing - but here we are. We are also coming up on our 2 year anniversary of starting the adoption. Lots can happen in 2 years!!

So, that's it for me. Should head back to my couch and rest a bit. Thanks for all your notes while i was away. Also, its great to hear of so many successful court dates!!! Congrats to all new parents!!! That is so amazing - looking forward to seeing these first 'Imagine' kids coming home. Also looking forward to hearing good news from CAFAC friends soon too.

Little Buddy

2010-02-10T19:14:00.002-05:00

Brenda is still recovering from her surgery, so that leaves to blogging to me (Mike, for those of you who don't know, I haven't posted in quite a while). Brenda's "little buddy" as we have called it, was taken out on Monday. She apparently told the OR staff that she was there to have a baby! It may have been the anesthetic talking, but she says she was aware of what she was saying. She is doing well by the way, and thank you to all of her cyber friends for your encouraging words of healing. Her mom has been here through the day with her, but Brenda is going to try tomorrow by herself. I have a day job now, so she is not alone at night anymore! I am still getting used to sleeping at night however, I like to sit and close my eyes at lunchtime but I nearly fell off my chair the other day when I dozed off! I'm told that everyone gets tired in the afternoon, so I'll take that as normal for now. I'm sure that Brenda will be posting again soon, so until then, happy blogging.

happy

2010-02-02T19:24:00.002-05:00

In a job as a volunteer co-ordinator, I worked with some men with developmental delays. There was one guy named Gary. He would spontaneously say "I'm happy today. Yep, today and tomorrow". Well to take a page from Gary's book - i am happy today - for a number of reasons.
1. We are now #56!!!!! We started out at 62 and are now down to 56. Hard to believe in such a short while. I am actually enjoying the 50's. It's exciting, without all the pressure. I have a feeling once we get down to the 20's i will be a basket case, so I am going to enjoy the 50's.
2. Mike got a new job! He started out on Monday. Its a straight day job - instead of the straight nights he has done for the past 3 something years. I am so happy for him - its a great fit for him and i really think he will love it. yippee honey - congrats!!
3. My best friend is dating a really great guy. She is super great and deserves to be so happy and so she is and I am so happy for her/them. yippeee
4. We got a new bed! I love my new bed. With Mike coming off nights we decided we need to do something about our old bed. I don't sleep well when he is around and so a new bed will help to fix that problem. There seems to be more 'middle' in our King size bed and so I am happy. A new bed meant a new comforter set :) and so new paint as well - some day. Lots of fun!
5. I am getting my gall bladder removed. Although the thoughts of surgery don't really make me too happy - I will be happy to have it done and be free from attacks of pain in the night. I have named my gall stone 'little buddy' and so he really needs to go. If you don't hear from me in a while its because I am recouping.
6. Our friends and families have blessed us so much!! My family started up a trust fund for our adoption and we are so overwhelmed by the support that has been given to us. It truly boggles my mind. Our new agency fees have been covered, our travel expenses have been covered and then some. We are humbled and so appreciative. One draw back of the trust fund is that we can not tell who the people are who donate. So, thank you so much - we would love to thank each one individually - but if you gave we are so deeply touched and we thank you from the bottoms of our hearts.
So, I am happy today. Yep, today and tomorrow.

processing **plus edit

2010-01-21T18:32:00.006-05:00

Lots of stuff running around in my brain lately. I am hoping that maybe by writing out, I can sort it out. It's tough stuff - and maybe you never really, truly sort it out but i hope to try.

In getting our 'number' last week, it really made our adoption seem real again. By the way we started out at 61 and are now down to 59 :). Anyhoo - back to the point. Some days our adoption doesn't seem real. I mean, it feels like a kind of club we belong to, an extra-curricular activity we are doing. I know we have a nursery set up with a crib and stuff but it doesn't always feel like we are having a baby!! It feels kind of abstract. Does any of this make sense? Anyway, when the list came out, it started feeling more 'real' again. I guess we can hope again. We can dream again.

I started obsessing with our number - trying to analyze exactly how long i thought it would take till our referral, what the chance are of getting a girl vs a boy. I made a nice colour coded spreadsheet and tried to explain it all to Mike - this means this and this over here means this...i guess its a bit crazy like me.

Then i started trying to figure out (again) - is our baby born, or is our birth mom pregnant yet? Then i started to think again about birth mom. Maybe its a combination of seeing the orphaned Haitian kids and the combo of our baby being reality again - but adoption is tough. Its hard. It is made from sorrow and tragedy and pain. Its not just - fly to Ethiopia and pick up a beautiful baby and come home and live happily ever after. Its a heart breaking decision made by a woman who only wants the best for her child. It's the death of a parent and lack of family members able to care for a child. Its hard. It's hard to wrap my brain around sometimes. Our child will have had a much harder life in its first few months than i will have had all my life.

I don't know. Some times i feel bad that i get so excited about the adoption. I am rejoicing in my happiness while others are suffering and grieving. Maybe the key is gratitude? Being ever grateful for the blessings in our lives, knowing that my blessing is someone else's pain? I guess it's something that you just work out and maybe you never work it out.

I guess in the end, life is not easy. I don't have all the answers and still have lots of questions. There is an empty place in my heart that longs for this baby and longs to heal the hurt and take the pain away. While i am still trying to figure it out - i can rely on the God who heals and provides and watches over us and hears my questions. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

The next day:
Ok - so i probably should just do a new post - but thought i want all my ramblings on this subject together.
I am still thinking and pondering and musing and this is the latest:
Life isn't fair or perfect. If it was, there would be no earth quakes, there would not be a long line up at the fertility clinic, the teenage 'father to be' i know would still just be a teenage kid, mother's wouldn't have to give up their children in hopes of a better life. Its hard and it sucks and its not fair but that's the way it is. I guess what we do about it is what counts. I need to celebrate our adoption and the new life that we will nurture in our family and not feel guilty(thanks Melissa). I need to be excited that we are number 59 instead of 62. I need to jump up and down at work when we get good news (get ready ladies!) and that is all good. We will mourn together at times and we will celebrate together and be thankful - but I won't forget or take for granted the circumstances that has brought our family together. Yes, adoption is made of pain and loss but it also makes joy and happiness and love and its ok to celebrate that too. Ok, so i think i have worked it out in my brain a bit more - not sure that you ever really work it out for good. I will quit rambling - for now.

sad

2010-01-14T18:48:00.002-05:00

Even though today was an exciting and relieving day - what with the numbers and all, my heart is still so sad.

Sad for the people of Haiti and for the Martin family. The Martin's have lost an amazing wife, mother and grandmother. Yvonne was such a kind woman who always had a smile for me. My prayers are with you all.

Also, Villages has some artisans in Haiti that we haven't heard from - no idea how they are doing. Keep praying for these folks who need our prayers so much. Donate if you can - there are lots of ways and places to do that. Be grateful for what you have and hold your loved ones a bit closer.

numbers numbers numbers

2010-01-14T18:39:00.001-05:00

So many numbers to consider today.

First off its our 15th month waiting on a referral - 15!!!! My goodness. One year and 3 months. Still have a long way to go - but am glad to say that those 15 months are done and gone.

And today we got our magic number!! I was totally thinking we wouldn't see them till Friday at 5:00 and was wondering how I would make it through the week and then boom - the email arrives. We are number 62. 62 out of 200 and something. I was hoping for the top 50 - but i will sure take 62. And actually, there was a referral announced today, so we are really 61!! This number really allows us to realistically try to figure out how much longer we will be waiting. I should be adding 4 months to pad it a bit and therefore try not to cause too much more frustration. Will we get a referral this year? Chances are we could but chances are we might not. So, i am trying to reason myself to accept travel in 2011. Who knows, there have been many surprises along the way so far.

So, now i am off to create my new list - and cross off #19 who got their referral today - congrats by the way. Yippee for 62.

the list

2010-01-10T17:37:00.003-05:00

This has been an amazing week for the new Imagine! I counted 5 referrals (hope i am right) this week!! I was pretty excited about the first one, the second one seemed to be icing on the cake - but 5!!!! So very exciting.
The one thing that has really been motivating me lately is the unveiling of 'the list'. You see, we have never known how many families are ahead of us waiting for referrals. i had my own 'list' - colour coded, thank you very much - but it was purely speculation based on the limited info i was able to gain from our yahoo group. During the bankruptcy we realized that our list is not so accurate due to the fact that there are many more people out there than are on our yahoo group and so, how correct is my little list after all??
The new Imagine promised us a lookey at the list and it was been something i have been dieing to see. Where are we, how many people are ahead of us, how many want boys, how many want girls, etc etc. This week we found out we won't be seeing the list after all. I realize it can be a privacy nightmare and people can get their nose out of joint when referrals happen out of order. You see, referrals can happen out of order based on the criteria you have chosen about your child - age, gender, medical conditions etc. I understand why giving us the list could cause a ruckus. But i was really looking forward to the list - something i could analyze, speculate on and obsess :) on for a good long while. So, I am disappointed - no list. Instead they are going to tell us what number we are in line. This is a one time shot number and from here on in, I guess we speculate and do the math and make our own list and move ourselves closer to the top. Don't get me wrong. While i am disappointed about not seeing the whole list, I am pretty excited to see our number. I have a number in my head. Oh, i hope we are close to it. If we aren't i will be pretty disappointed.
So, this week we wait for the unveiling of the 'number'. Will it be 2 didget or 3?? Will i be on old age pension by the time we get our kid or still a young spring chicken? guess the point is that any amount of information on our adoption is a big deal - we get so little. Funny how one little (I hope) number is causing me so much anxiety. So, here's to numbers and finding out how many referrals are between us and our baby. Let's hope that its a short week and Friday gets here before we know it!!!!

congrats!! ***with revisions!

2010-01-07T19:00:00.003-05:00

Hey - I am back. Our computer died this week, its now back from the Dr and doing well. Good news is that we got it fixed and didn't have to buy a nice, fancy new one - well, budget wise that's good news.
Anyhoo - all that to say that it was a great day to get caught up on some great news!!! Some cyber friends have been chosen to adopt a baby in Florida!!! Congrats!!!!!!! So, very exciting!!!! Its almost worth moving to BC to be able to adopt from the US. For now though we are staying here. Soooooo exciting to hear of baby on the way for D&A!!!! Hope you get some sleep tonight!! :)
An Imagine referral was also announced today - a sweet 2 1/2 month old baby girl. So small and tiny and so exciting!!! Congrats to you! And so, our file slowly moves closer to the top. We still have not yet seen the illusive 'list'. But, I am trying to wait patiently while they get it ready to send to us. The list will show us just where we are and how many are ahead of us.
So, its been a good day in the adoption world - here's to many more!!

**not only has there been one sweet referral but 2 more!!! Another girl and one boy. So amazing. Keep it coming!! Congrats to all!!!

Christmas 2009

2009-12-29T18:54:00.013-05:00

Our house before Christmas - this snow has melted, but we are now getting more of the white stuff!!

Hope you all had a merry Christmas!!!! Seems like every year gets busier and a bit crazier! It was a good time for us. A few days of rushing around followed by some very quiet days of R&R. It's back to work now and let me tell you - that first day back is hard!!!

Christmas Eve, I baked and cleaned and cooked - a nice way to spend my first day off. Then we got packed up and headed over to my parents house. We had a pretty low key evening with my parents and my sister's family. Had a great dinner, played some games and watched "White Christmas" which is a VanderBent Tradition. Funny, that not too many of us can honestly say they stayed awake for the whole thing :) We all stayed overnight - which was fun but not too restful.

Everyone checking out their fancy new phones

Hmm, what could it be??

On Christmas morning we all headed over to Val and Brad's and had a big breakfast and then opened some gifts. Val and Brad surprised Mike and i with a hard cover book made of our blog!! What a great keepsake this will be for baby. I look forward to the next editions. We both got spoiled big time -thanks everyone!!

After breakfast we had to run and be on our way to London, to Mike's brothers house. Luckily the weather held out - just a lot of rain, not the storm that was predicted.

Here is Uncle Mike trying to convince AJ to keep his socks on.

Uncle Mike giving AJ a drum lesson - hit the drum, not the dog!!

Granny, Auntie Brenda, AJ and Uncle Frank having a snooze in the back :)
AJ, Terri, Paul and Kyle

Like I said, it was a bit of a whirlwind and we aren't done yet. New Years day we have turkey on the farm and then on the 2nd we are having 'Cober Christmas' which is my extended family on my dad's side.

The comment was made again this year about how there will be an added high chair next year. I sure hope so. I think i know enough not to get too comfortable with that idea - but oh, wouldn't that be the best Christmas ever. This year has taught me alot of things. I pray for our own Christmas miracle next year. We have experienced miracles this year and know that they are possible and so we continue to hope.

History in the Making

2009-12-29T18:50:00.007-05:00

The Olympic torch relay came to our little town this weekend. Pretty cool!! There were so many people out to see it!!! It really was amazing to see it come by and think of where its all been!! It was a nice afternoon - not to cold with just a few snowflakes in the air. Kind of neat to be part of 'history'.

Here it comes!

The next excited runner waiting for her turn!!

We had a great view of the hand off!

There it goes!

And then it was done and heading down the road to the next little town. I am really looking forward to the Olympics. I do every time really but this one will be special. Go team Canada!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!

2009-12-24T08:08:00.002-05:00

From our house to yours - may you all have a wonderful Christmas! Enjoy this time celebrating with family and friends.
Ho Ho Ho

Christmas Miracles

2009-12-16T20:40:00.002-05:00

Today there were 2 referrals announced!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my - we are in business. Congrats to the families and to all of us. Looking forward to hearing details and hopefully more referrals in the days to come.
We still haven't seen the promised list to show us where we are in the wait compared to the other families - we will see this in January. But now we can cross 2 names off the list as we climb higher to the top.
We have come such a long way.
Miracles do happen!!!!!!!!!!!!

14

2009-12-14T19:03:00.005-05:00

how do you like that - 14 on the 14th. We have been waiting for our referral now for 14 months - and today is the 14th - shouldn't we get a prize or something???

Yep - waiting - fitting how Christmas is about waiting - and don't we know about waiting!!! Mostly i feel pretty good about the wait - as i mentioned in an earlier post -we are just thrilled that we are still in the game! However, its still hard when everyone asks and thinks that we will be getting our baby 'any time now'. I kind of smile and say 'well, it will be another year or so'. Waiting - come on already with referrals!!!

Anyhoo - on to other things. We have been busy with Christmas - Youth Christmas party, Christmas Parade (conveniently it goes right by our house so we watched from the porch this year), Christmas bun baking - yum (Mike helped me and is a good kneader!!!), Christmas plays(my sister's -and she said a bad word!! funny part was my parents were pre-warned and my mom missed the 'bad word' all together :) guess it wasn't so bad!!), Christmas decorating, barely started the Christmas shopping - but should be done by the end of the week, Christmas cards - i am totally getting a cramp over that one and lots of Christmas cheer.

Last Christmas i was pretty sure we would be home with baby by now, so I don't even try to guess if we will be home by next Christmas - but i do hope for a referral by then. I know about waiting and i can totally relate to the Advent season and the wait. The candles of Hope, Joy, Peace and Love (hope that's right) - we can have all those things in our waiting. They make the waiting all the more special.

wordless wednesday

2009-12-02T17:13:00.001-05:00

we did it!

2009-11-30T21:45:00.003-05:00

The numbers are in - 246 families have re-signed their contracts, sent in the $ and we are a go!!!
In the last few weeks I was pretty confidant that we would have enough families to continue and we do. What a relief!! Now we wait for the first referral - what a sweet day that will be!!!!!!! The other good news is that we will finally get a list of the families waiting and we will be able to see our place in line. We never knew that info before - i had my colour coded spreadsheet but it wasn't very accurate to say the least. That is such a relief to us! We will be able to get a better grasp on our wait times as we see the people ahead of us bring their sweet babies home!! I have a feeling we are in the top 50?! I really hope so - but it will just be nice to know for a change.
So, such good news after a wonderful weekend!!!!
In the whole mess of the bankruptcy i got a card from a friend that said 'expect miracles'. I thought that was a pretty bold statement. But i can tell you that i am expecting miracles here and they have been happening.

blessed

2009-11-29T18:05:00.011-05:00

This weekend, Mike and I have been blessed in such a huge way.
Right after the bankrupcty happened, people wanted to do things for us. It was so nice, but there was really nothing to be done and at that point we didn't know if we had a future with this adoption. As soon as we knew we needed more $ to make things happen, a fundraiser was planned. My sister and cousin took up the challenge and made it happen.
Well, it happened last night. What a night!!! We used a friend's barn, booked a great band and friends brought wonderful treats. It was such a special evening.
About 150 came and showered us with love and support. It is very humbling to receive such love. We are so very appreciative and just full of gratitude - for everyone involved and everyone that came. Thank you so much for the financal support. The numbers aren't all in yet but so far we have enough to pay our fees plus a good chunk of our traveling expenses. What a blessing!!!
Thanks to Beth and Sheri - the driving force behind it all. To Len and Lynnette for their help on the Villages side. To Aunt Mim for phoning and inviting the Cober's - which is a big job! and for her help in the kitchen that night. Thanks to Val for putting together a wonderful power point of photos of Ethiopia and informative facts and trivia. Thanks to Arnica for allowing us to use her photos. Thanks to Carol for allowing us to use her beautiful barn. Thanks to Don and Stand Firm for blessing us and rocking out the barn!!!!!
I didn't say a speech last night and so didn't blubber -which is good. But i did have a few thoughts rolling around in my head as i observed our friends and family mingling and having a good time.
Adoption comes from pain. Our child will suffer many losses to become part of our family. But as I looked across the room last night i knew that our child will gain this community as their family and friends and will be so blessed to know all of you and have you in his/her life.
I cant wait till we have our next party - the band is booked and the pig (roasted of course) is on stand by. It will be amazing to celebrate our child home at last!!

The barn decorated in an African theme

Stand Firm and 'Rock on' Don

Bring down the house -or shall we say barn

oh the Food - wonderful goodness!!

shot from the balcony:

ticker

2009-11-22T17:06:00.002-05:00

I haven't really been paying much attention to the ticker lately. No, my heart is fine :). The ticker is the little gizmo at the top of the blog that tell me how long we have been waiting for a referral. We know that this is only on small part of the 'wait'. We have waited long and hard before we even got to this point, but we won't go there today.
Anyhoo - today the ticker says - one year, one month, one week and one day, waiting for our referral.
I could go on and on about how i despise this wait. How it would be so nice to hold a baby like the sweet little ones i held today. But, i won't complain today. Because (so far) we can still say we are waiting. There was a point this summer where we thought it was done and we thought we were really done - i mean really done. I was trying to wrap my head around the idea of not having any kids. We have talked about it and know it wouldn't be all bad. But i just could not accept that one, it hurt just too much.
So, one year, one month, one week and one day. One more step closer and we are still in the game. One year, one month, one week and one day - I will take that.

good words

2009-11-12T20:01:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. It was the first day in a long time that i have felt like we are really going somewhere with the new agency. On that bad, bad day in July, i really felt like it was the end of our road to parenthood. I really did not believe that the agency could be revived - i thought that people needed to deal with their grief and not play mind games, getting hopes up. Boy have i been proved wrong. I usually don't like to admit i am wrong - but this time i sure am glad!!

So, today the first good words i heard were The Board will post an update from the team that has recently traveled to Ethiopia. We got an update email - which in itself is great. It is so nice to get info and feel like we know what is going on!! I was excited that we would get an update on the trip to Ethiopia. The rest of the email was just answering questions and general info kind of stuff - but stuff that reminded me what it was like to be excited about our adoption. We also know that we will be told where our place is in line. It is such a relief to know where we sit and i think will make waiting much easier.

Then the report was posted on the BDO site and i saw words like: MOWA reassured the group that they are pleased and looking forward to continue working with Imagine Adoption Wow!! MOWA is the ministry of women's affairs in Ethiopia. That was a hurdle that i worried about. But the Ethiopian gov't is on board and 'pleased'!!! Such great news!

Then i heard: Kingdom Vision and Selam orphanage have given the Board confidence that referrals will start sooner than we have anticipated. Here is another kicker!! Great news - amazing!!! The doubter in me says not to get to excited about that and still wants to guard my heart a bit but to me that sounds pretty darn good.

The next bit made my heart so happy!! There is no plan to exclude single applicants Yippee for my friends who can now sleep better at night knowing that they are included in the process!!

And finally the sweet words: ALL GOALS WERE ACHIEVED! That pretty much sums it up. Kudos to the new board and employees for getting so much done, so fast.

So, our contract is signed and will head out in the mail tomorrow. We weren't waiting for this info before we signed, but it sure makes signing all the sweeter. The realist in me is telling me to slow down and not get too excited - remember: international adoption has no guarantees. We still need to get the minimum of families to re-sign but i am feeling fairly confidant that this will happen!!

I also heard some words of validation today. I won't tell you the whole story, right now it seems so personal. But i will tell you that they were words i needed to hear. They were words from an African man who validated to me our international adoption. I some times wonder what African people think of us white folks adopting their kids - its a debate i won't get into now. But this friend encouraged me and then thanked me. I told him that we are the ones who are blessed. And we really are.

So - good words today. I feel that spark of hope growing. I feel like i can open the nursery door a bit more and take some steps inside.

95+

2009-10-28T19:53:00.002-04:00

No - I am not talking about the weather today - i am talking about my age. That is about how old I feel! I knew i was due for my yearly bout with sciatica and here we are. It's way better than last year's version but none the less i walk around like an old woman. I really could have used a walker for a few days - a kitchen chair had to do the trick. I am mobile now - slowly and surely. I was only off work for 4 days this time... I hate to be helpless -ugh. The good news is that i am on the mend and all will soon be well.
Anyhoo, other than my ailments nothing much is new. We continue to live our lives and continue to hope that our adoption will have a happy ending. Some days i get excited and day dream again about how it will be - when we are parents. Even thought up a new good boy's name (have lots of girls names on the list but not too many good boy choices). And some days the reality of waiting another year or so just weighs me down.
Good news for lots of Cafac folks including Steph and fam! Congrats and yippee!!! I am celebrating with you!!! Its so great to see things moving along for you all. I am still lurking out there - keeping up with my blogging peeps - seeing your kids at home gives me hope and reminds me that it's all worth it.
So, that's it for me. Just thought i would let you know that i am still here - slow and feeble but here.

happy birthday...

2009-10-13T19:52:00.002-04:00

yep - we have been waiting for our referral for one whole year! hard to believe we have made it this far - and at this point I am just so glad that our adoption is still moving forward. So, one year down - I am trying really hard not to imagine when we will be holding our baby - i am hoping that it will be sooner than i think.

So, besides all that, what have we been doing? I have been a fairly silent blogger - hope that i am not a source of entertainment for you - you must be bored out of your tree!!! Seems like our fall has been busier than our summer - had an anniversary, went to the beach (I LOVE IT!!), helped my mom pick out fixtures, flooring and cabinets for her new bathroom, started up a new Jr Youth program at our Church, had a great weekend with Mike's family in Dunnville (a big shout out to the Manning clan), went to AJ's first birthday party, went to a great concert, said goodbye to Dad as he has returned to Burkina, had a great visit with cousin Lorie and got to meet Max for the first time, took a few days off :), had a cake decorating lesson with Dayna, did some shopping :), mike had a birthday, had a party, did some more shopping, welcomed back Dennis and Sue to Ontario, cooked up a storm with my sister, did some more shopping :), and celebrated thanksgiving with my family. Phew - its been a busy couple of weeks. I am looking forward to life settling down a bit - but don't expect it to in reality.
This thanksgiving i am so thankful for you - my family and friends. This year i have been reminded so much of how you all love me and care for me. and we sure needed it. I know that we couldn't have made it through without your encouragement and support. thanks to God for providing me with all of you.

Another step in the right direction

2009-09-29T18:37:00.002-04:00

Today was the court date. The bankruptcy has been annulled in court and we are on to the next step. I wish the new board would re-name "Imagine Adoption" but i guess we will wait and see if they do - a new beginning needs a new name in my books.
Anyhoo - yep - its another step, with many more to go. We are still feeling 'cautiously' optimistic. The next hurdle will come in November. This is when families continuing on will need to sign an new contract with the new agency and pay more money. In order for things to continue, there needs to be a certain number of families who sign on. So, we will hold our breath and hope for the best. I know some people have moved on, and i wish them all the best. We were very close to making that decision as well - we wish you luck and blessings on your new journeys. We have decided to stick it out and see where is all goes.

The vote is in...

2009-09-22T08:46:00.002-04:00

You have probably seen the news by now - the vote is in and its a YES!!!!!!!
Its hard to believe how far we have come since that nasty Monday in July. I wasn't even certain that we would have a yes vote - there was so much negativity out there that i was wondering if we would even get to the next step or not.
I am pretty excited - but still know that we have a long way to go. The next big hurdle will be signing the contract. It seems like there still may be people who choose to go in different directions. That is their choice and their business and i respect each family making a decision that is best for them. The plan can continue if some families opt out - but we still need a high number for it to continue. So, by the end of November we will know how many families are going to sign the new contract and continue on.
The next hurdle comes in Feb 2010 when the new board will decide if this new agency is feasible - will it really work? This is another crucial point where things could end for us.
So - yes i am excited - but of course with international adoption there is no guaranties. As i said in an earlier post - i don't think i will be truly excited until i see that picture of our baby and finally hold him/her in our arms. Until then, I keep hoping and praying...

Happy Anniversary

2009-09-07T16:49:00.008-04:00

My sweetie and I have just celebrated our 5th Anniversary.
5 years!!! I know we are still in the honeymoon years - and i hope they never end. I always wanted to be 'married' but i never imagined i would be so happy.

"Feels Like Home"

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see through the dark there's light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

i love you!!!

proposal

2009-09-07T16:35:00.003-04:00

Well, 'the proposal' came out on Friday night. Its hard to believe how this whole mess has turned around so quickly. It hasn't always felt quick but in the big picture it has been. On July 13th our world was turned upside down and now on August 11 we have some answers and a plan. By the way - July 13th was our 9th month waiting for our referral - i haven't been counting lately. But i feel way over due!
I am happy with the proposal. I want to say a huge thanks to Susan Taves - the trustee. She even included a video with the key points to make everything easier for us. Yes, we have to pay more money. But its actually alot less than I thought it would be. I have been told to not worry about money, so I am trying not to.
I just can't seem to get excited about it though. I want to be excited. I want to open that nursery door again. I want to go in there and rock in the chair and dream about our baby. But I just can't seem to be excited. Maybe when the first referral comes in... Maybe when that first baby comes home... Maybe when we get our referral... Maybe when we bring our baby home... I have a feeling that it wont be real till i have that baby in my arms - cause i know that things can and do happen and dreams can be shattered. I know people have had those photos and thought they had their babies and they don't. Please don't let this be another awful chapter of our lives. Please let this be the beginning of the happy ending.

What i did on my summer vacation 2009

2009-08-31T19:23:00.014-04:00

Hi there - yes we are still living. Its been a while. We really don't know anything new at this point. We are still waiting for the 'proposal' done by the trustee to become available. Hopefully it will give details as to how/if things will proceed. I have sure had my moments of doubt and hope that our present 'limbo' will soon be over. It really sucks.

Anyway - since we are now back from my third week of vacation, I thought you might like to know what we did this summer....

My first week consisted of a spa get away with my good friend Tracey. Notice the lovely spa robes - we got to keep them, didn't steal them - i promise.

Mike and i took a week off right after the whole Imagine crap went down. We were supposed to finish our renovations -the baby's room - but decided to get away instead. We went camping - it rained almost the whole time. And i dont mean a nice little shower every once in a while - it poured - every day. We're talking good times!

Here we are trying to take our pic in a mirror.

Here are some of the friends we made that week.

We really liked them - they didn't ask us stupid questions or make insensitive remarks

We also spent a long weekend camping with my family

For our last week of vacation we headed to eastern Ontario.

Here is how it started:

But - hey - we are on vacation right - who's in a hurry!

We did alot of this:

Spent some quality time at the beach. Did some hiking and saw this pretty lily:

We also went on a cruise of the 1000 Islands.

We saw cottages like this:

and some 'cottages' like this:

Pretty crazy huh??

Anyhoo - we had a good time away - we really needed it!! Now its back to reality and the craziness that has become our life. A shout out to the rest of our peeps who are in the same boat as us -the suspense is killing me - i hope we get some real, firm, 'this is whats happening' news really soon. I am tired of this limbo - i am tired of not knowing what we are doing. I am tired of having to think of what is behind door #2. We didn't want door #2 - if we did we would have chose it in the first place. My patience is wearing thin. I don't know how much longer my heart can take this abuse. Are we grieving - are we hoping???? Please remember to keep us in your prayers - we still really need them!!!!

not forgotten

2009-08-05T18:40:00.003-04:00

I have been trying to process this whole mess. The first week i was in a daze - really mourning the loss of our dream and our child. The second week i tried to ignore it - didn't work. And then on the third week... a glimmer of hope. We don't know what will happen. We could be holding our baby this time next year or our arms could still be empty. But i believe that God has not forgotten me. I believe that if we do not adopt our baby from Ethiopia, that God has not forgotten them either. I have really struggled with the knowledge that all these kids could now be with out a bright future. Then God reminded me of a few things.
Father's Day weekend we went to the Watoto children's choir concert. It was very emotional for me - i was on the verge of sobbing (the bad cry) through the whole thing. To see these orphans who had a new hope was amazing. They sang the following song and it gave me such reassurance that these kids were happy despite their circumstance and loved Jesus. So, if we don't get the chance to have our Ethiopian baby here at home with us - we will know that he/she is not forgotten - God has a different plan for them.
In the midst of everything, i was feeling lost - and then i realized that the song is not just for our baby - but its for me too. God knows my name. I am not forgotten. And so - keep praying. We are praying for a miracle and we know it can happen. Our hope is in God and we know that he can do amazing things.

I am not forgotten
I am not forgotten
I am not forgotten
God knows my name
he knows my name

Light over darkness
strength over weakness
joy over sadness
he knows my name

father to the fatherless
friend to the friendless
hope for the hopeless
he knows my name

I will praise you
I will praise you
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made
I am not forgotten never forsaken

Cautiously optimistic

2009-07-30T19:56:00.002-04:00

You may have heard by now that we attended a 'creditors meeting' today. For me it was a very emotional experience and i have to admit - that for the first time i am feeling some hope that our adoption may continue. There are alot of hurdle's that need to be jumped to make it all work - but I think it might just be possible. These hurdles include co-ordintaion of the trustees, the ON Gov't and the families - its a big job. Its going to take time.
Of coarse we are guarding our hearts and do not look forward to more disappointment. But we know that miracles can happen. I believe its a small miracle that things have turned out so well already. Please don't take our 'cautiously optimistic' attitude as negativity. We are doing the best we can to remain positive in this situation. We feel that we will give the process some time and then decide how we will proceed.
I want to thank you all again for your calls, emails, cards, gifts, words of encouragement and your prayers. Please continue to pray for us - our hearts are still very tender.
Below is the article on the meeting from the KW Record.

KITCHENER—Affected families were buoyed Thursday by a plan to try to restructure a bankrupt Cambridge adoption agency under new management.
If successful, it would mean hundreds of clients from across Canada will still be able to adopt children from overseas after investing months of time and up to $20,000 in the process.
Would-be parents were devastated when Kids Link International Adoption Agency, which operated as Imagine Adoption, collapsed July 14.
But they left a Kitchener meeting in good spirits after about 200 creditors voted unanimously to pursue a restructuring effort outlined by bankruptcy trustees from BDO Dunwoody.
“I’ve never seen so many people in one room agree on something so quickly,” said Ingrid Phaneuf, of Etobicoke, who is trying to adopt a child from Ethiopia. “It was fantastic.”
A group of about six people with the required expertise have come forward to possibly take over the non-profit agency. The plan would require approval from the provincial government, which licenses international adoption organizations.
Bankruptcy trustee Susan Taves said the plan will be explored and developed over the next two to four weeks to see if it can work.
“I think it’s really probable – a high percentage of success here,” she said after the three-hour meeting.
Companies, church groups, individuals and affected families have contacted trustees with offers to help salvage the agency.
“This is a really unique file,” Taves said. “In 20 years of doing this work, I’ve never had people call and say they’ll give money to keep an organization going.”
Families have so far filed claims nearing $3 million. Imagine has just $500,000 in cash, plus about $150,000 in accounts receivable and office equipment.
The collapse affected about 415 families, including more than 200 in Ontario.
Bankruptcy trustees are working with government officials to complete about 40 adoptions, mostly from Ethiopia, that had reached the stage where families were matched with children.
The remaining 375 clients were at various stages of the process and stand to benefit most if the agency is saved under new management and a new board of directors.
Nine families hoping to adopt from Ghana are in a particularly tough spot after an orphanage there was closed over concerns children had been improperly taken from their parents.
Jesse and Jeanette Martin of Elora had been matched with twin, eight-month-old girls before all adoptions from the orphanage were suspended.
“To us, these are our girls,” said Jeanette, showing photos of the children. “We won’t give up. We can’t give up.”
Waterloo Regional Police are conducting a fraud investigation after two directors of Imagine alleged senior staff earning six-figure salaries used corporate credit cards to make more than $300,000 in questionable purchases.
Included were trips, home renovations and a horse and saddle.
There was no sign at the meeting of Susan Hayhow, the former executive director of Imagine and two related organizations, Global Reach Children Fund and Saint Anne Adoption Agency.
Those agencies are also caught up in the Imagine bankruptcy because money moved among accounts for all three organizations.

hanging in

2009-07-27T20:20:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to let you all know that we are doing ok. We were able to get away last week for a few days. It was nice to have some peace and quiet and get our heads around what has happened.
We really don't know any more than you do and what you see in the news. Time will tell if our file is salvageable. At this point its all up to the Ontario gov't. There is a meeting for all creditors on Thursday and we are hoping to get some answers at that point.
We want to thank you for your support - for your prayers, cards, gifts, phone calls and concern. Please keep us in your prayers. We are in a crazy limbo right now - scared to hope and scared not to. We trust that God will make a way - where there seems to be no way.

black monday

2009-07-14T20:02:00.004-04:00

yesterday our world fell apart. Our dreams and our hearts have been crushed. we are numb. We found out that our agency - Imagine Adoption has gone bankrupt. This pretty much means the end of our adoption. We choose this agency and this route because we felt it was our best chance of having a family - ever. The thought of getting into another line some where else is just so insane right now. Some say there may be hope for our file and another agency picking us up as clients but i doubt they will do it for free and we are at our limit. we are grieving the loss of our child and the hope that we once had.
We are thankful for our friends and families. for the calls and emails and facebooks and cookies. we haven't responded much - we will in time. we just need time to process. if you want to know details - check out the imagine website - globe and mail - CTV - any news site - its everywhere. We are also thankful for your prayers - cause right now we don't have the words to say so we are counting on you to lift us up. we know we are not the only ones - there are so many just like us. we have all suffered so much already and this just seems to be so surreal.

101

2009-07-05T12:55:00.003-04:00

how fancy - this is my #1o1 post. Who knew i (and occasionally 'we') had so much to say?!
I had a great week off! The weather totally sucked - rain, over cast, down right scary clouds, humidity and cool damp weather which is not kind to hair at all. Yesterday and today have been nicer - the sun has returned and so i am trying to enjoy it as much as i can!!!
Collingwood and the Blue Mountain resort was great!!! We got a sweet little package deal that included our meals and spa treatments (my feet have never looked or felt so wonderful!!) and some shopping coupons and a nice new robe to take home - and no we didn't steal them - we were supposed to take them home :) The weather didn't exactly co-operate - we had hoped to get to the beach or at least sit by one of the beautiful pools...but alas we shopped :) and saw some nice movies and did some more shopping :) It was a great get away!!!!
Also had a birthday last week - yep - another year older. It was kind of quiet which is fine by me. Mike and I enjoyed a wonderful seafood dinner out. Looking forward to having our first campfire in my new fire pit - once the fire chief comes by and ok's it and gives us our permit. I love a good campfire!!!
Today we are off to a surprise birthday party and then i am afraid its back to work. ugh. i am trying not to imagine the piles of papers that are waiting for me - its nice to know some of my work has been done while i was away - but the rest will sit and we will be right into the thick of 'month end'. The good news is that i work 2 weeks and then enjoy vacation week #2. Already counting down the days. This time Mike is off as well and we plan to tackle house stuff and get those reno's cleaned up that we started last summer... i would even like to start a new project or two :) we will see.
Also, good news on the adoption front (for other people anyway). Some folks are travelling as we speak and others have finally had successful court dates!! Yippee!!! Such good news going around. This can only mean that more referrals are on the way. And of coarse good news for other families is always good news for us. The process is moving and we are slowly inching our way closer to the top of the list. Mind you i said slowly - don't go getting all excited - I still think a referral by Christmas will be a miracle. But good news is good news and i will take it!!!

While the wife is away...

2009-07-02T21:29:00.002-04:00

It's true... I'm not myself when Brenda is away. She's off enjoying a much needed girl's getaway, while I'm stuck here working! I had great intentions of getting a lot of projects done while she's gone, but all I've managed to do is get the new outdoor fire bowl put together. Tomorrow is another day to tackle some more projects! The Canada day fireworks here in town were nice to watch from our back deck, it seems that we have a perfect line of sight to the park from here! I sat outside watching them before I left for work last night. The rain held off until the grand finale, then it got wet fast! So here's wishing our blog friends a Happy Canada Day!

big hair days

2009-06-23T19:08:00.003-04:00

well - today is the day we have been hoping and dreaming for - no not a referral silly - its hot. all winter we dream and imagine what it will be like again when we don't need to wear a gazillion layers just to stay ahead of the big chill.
well, today its hot. my hair is 3 times its usual self - why did i bother to try straightening it??!! I love summer - don't get me wrong - but the humidity is what gets me. We live in an old house and it manages to stay pretty cool - with blinds drawn and ceiling fans at top speed. We are lucky enough to have a window AC unit in our bedroom. Ok - so its summer - get over it.
I am also counting down the days till my first week of vacation. Next week is vacation week #1. At the end of the week, my best gal-pal and i are heading to Collingwood to a ski resort for a few days away. We got in on a package deal that includes a mani/pedi so that is all good. We will hit the beach, some shops and just enjoy some good old R&R. Oh, i can't wait. Ever just know that you really need a vacation - well i was at that point about 2 months ago so it will be so good to get away. This does leave Mike home alone for a few days. I am sure he will be blogging - always seems to sneak a post in when i am not around.
Had a good weekend. We saw the Watoto Children's choir on Saturday night. They are orphaned kids from Uganda. Its a really cool organization that sets up a foster type system where kids live in families with a house mother. Its a really great family model. its something to sit there and hear a 10 year old kid talk about his parents death and the fact that he didn't have food to eat or know what to do. Heartbreaking. The presentation was really well done and boy can those kids sing and dance!! It was great. I think it would be a good org to support! We aren't supporting any work yet in Ethiopia and i think its time to do some investigation and see where we might be able to sponsor some kids who won't get adopted.

p.s.

2009-06-16T19:10:00.001-04:00

so, i was just going to post the song lyrics and let them speak for themselves. But as i was re-reading them it really hit me that mostly you would read that and feel bad at the beginning for the kid waiting to find a home - but in my case i feel like i am the one longing to find home with our baby. Does that make sense to anyone else? It really is a longing like that and in a way the baby saves me - i have a deep yearning, a longing for this little baby. Don't get all crazy - i am not a manic person who believes a baby will solve all my problems - but i do believe I have this empty space in my life that this baby is meant to fill. Often people think that adoptive parents are doing the world a huge favour by 'saving' this child from a life of abdonment and misery - but i think the child is doing us more of a favour. I dont know if this is sounding right. I hope you will understand what i am trying to say - but i dont think its coming out right.

When Love Takes You In

2009-06-16T18:56:00.004-04:00

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever
cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

Stephen Curtis Chapman

#8

2009-06-15T19:16:00.010-04:00

So, here we are at 8 months. I have decided not to whine about the wait (i was going to say 'anymore' - but i can't promise that - maybe should say 'today'). I am going to try to be more positive - no one likes to listen to a whiner - and we still have a long way to go and i am beginning to sound like a broken record. In some ways its hard to believe that we have been waiting 8 months already for our referral. Lets hope we are more than 1/2 way.

On the Saturday it was kind of cool and over cast and so i did some baking and got out a project that needs to be finished. 2 years (yes that's right i said 2 years) ago, i decided that because of our drafty old house, i would make some flannel comforters. I was running out of blankets for our guests. Both my Grandma's made me comforters that i still have and love to use. My Grandma Heise's blanket is so fun to look at. It's made of crimpoline (polyester) squares and i can remember that this piece was one of her dresses, and so on. i have had to replace the flannel back as i loved it to death once already. So, 2 years ago - i bought some flannel and re-learned how to sew. I have one top completely done: And the second top is in the early stages. I need to finish cutting out the squares and do the sewing. You might notice, if you look closely that my squares didn't exactly come out square or sewn straight - it was my joke that the way it was going i would have a round blanket in the end!!! Once the tops are both done, then i will borrow my mom's quilt stands and and tie the tops to a flannel back. My Grandma Cober would say they are 'for warm not for looks'. So, here's to another one of my projects that needs to be finished. its kind of a bad time of year to get going on stuff like this - but who knows - maybe i will actually get done. i know that they look babyish and girlie - but they are actually not intended for baby - but for our guests who have to brave our sub-arctic home (in the winter that is - right now its getting toasty!).

And last but not least - my poppy finally started to bloom today and so did the columbine. Kind of cool. Happy June everyone - hard to believe the month is 1/2 over already. Here's hoping that month 8 will be a turning point and things will go smoother from here on in. cheers.

New Roof

2009-06-10T19:21:00.001-04:00

Well ... Brenda's out with some friends tonight, so I'm taking over! It's been a rough week for sleeping in the daytime for me. The roofing crew has been here for the last few days re-roofing the rear section of our house. (It's only been leaking for the past four years, but now was the time to get it done!!) Needless to say, I had to sleep on the couch yesterday, and install my earplugs to try to get some rest! Now the outside of the house looks better, and it shouldn't leak anymore! I had a good day of painting gutters and a few window frames on Saturday, so from the back yard, the house looks much different. I still have two more eaves and two windows to paint, but since I started that project a few years ago, what's the rush!?! We still haven't quite finished the indoor stuff, but that will be for rainy days!

wordless wednesday

2009-06-02T19:43:00.003-04:00

what she said...

2009-06-01T19:29:00.004-04:00

So - once again my fellow bloggers have come through. Its amazing how someone you don't know and have never met can know exactly how you are feeling. Its been a real blessing to me to have others to share this crazy ride with. If i knew what i was doing i would put a link in to a blogger who just posted exactly how i feel right now. She used a marathon analogy of how this adoption is going down. you can check out on the right "our adoption journey...lawson style" and then her post 'sweet sixteen'. Its really hard. Lately i haven't blogged much cause i don't feel i have much to say... nothing is happening - just waiting which we all know sucks - and i really don't want to be the broken record on how hard it is. its just really hard. So, thanks Krista - you were exactly what i needed today. Its nice to know we are not alone and that someone who is 'there' understands. I have amazing friends who can empathize and listen and be wonderful - but unless you have really been 'there' its hard to fully get it.
Its amazing to me how one word of encouragement can just feed my soul. On the weekend i had a person i barely know say some really ridiculous things to me - how these people can survive without being shot is a miracle - those few comments really wore me down. Why i bother to get upset is beyond me - but unfortunately, i not only got upset but carried it around for a good couple of days. What a good lesson for me - to #1 toughen up and not take things to heart so much and #2 try harder to encourage others.

wordless wednesday - kind of - well, not really

2009-05-27T19:33:00.010-04:00

Yippee for spring. I love to see things growing! I especially love when i don't kill things! I am not an experienced gardener, so i like easy things and take lots of advice from good gardener friends. We did add a new flower bed this spring :) I think Mike is worried that my flowers will totally take over our small back yard - but i promise him that we will always have room for a swing set and a sand box :) Remind me how much i love gardening in August when the weeds have taken over...

Nothing else new here - no referrals lately. Lots of people are getting ready to travel and pick up their kidlets - so that is a good thing - more room for new kids in the transition home.

Lately the waiting has got me down. I wonder if its too optimistic to think that we will get a referral by Christmas. Last year at this time we were thinking we would be traveling in the summer of 2009 and now we hope and pray we travel in the summer of 2010. I do know it WILL happen - but right now the light at the end of the tunnel is very dim.

As for other fun stuff - Chuck has stayed with us for the past few weeks - its been good to spend some time together after being apart for 2 years. On the weekend the Cober women minus one(sheri, dayna, my mom and myself - we missed you Val) went to TO to see the Sound of Music. At first I thought ' i have seen the movie a gazillion times - not so keen on seeing the musical' but it was amazing - see it if you can. it was a great time. We took the subway - which was fun and a novelty for us country hicks. A good time was had by all :)

playing catch up

2009-05-18T10:27:00.009-04:00

Yep - its been a while since i have posted, so I am afraid it might be a long one.

First of all - we hit our 7th month in the referral waiting game. Not sure how i feel about that - kind of like that bus ran me over. When we started i really thought we would have a referral by now... Ah, then reality hits. Anyhoo - we are 7 down and who knows how many more to go.

Its true, i have been in a bit of a funk. Then it dawned on me - Mother's Day is coming up. Yep - not fond of that day. It was kind of quiet for us but we got through it.
I love my Mom!!!!! She is the best. She constantly goes above and beyond. She is always supportive and we must like each other cause we work together!!! Looking forward to our shopping day coming up!!!!
My Grandma Cober passed away last Mother's day - and so we were all missing her as well. She kept a diary and so we are privileged to read them now and get a feel for the kind of lady she was - besides the spoiling, playing twister Grandma that i knew growing up. She was busy!!!! She had a lot going on and almost everyday there was someone dropping by, some grandkid showing up to be looked after, ladies in to quilt or a visit paid to a neighbour. In fact it made me smile to read 'Dad and i sat alone tonight - no one came' - that was a rare entry but shows how much she loved having people over. Its kind of cool to see my name pop up in there every once in a while or things like 'Bruce's have a new baby - nice baby boy' or 'Sheri and Brenda were here for the day' or "Cathy went to Bruce's to babysit' or 'Dorthy went to Bruce's to babysit'. I know without a doubt that not only do i have great parents - but i had wonderful grandparents who loved us!!!! I have thought about starting my own diary - what a legacy to leave behind.
Anyhoo - on to other news. We have a visiting family member, as mike mentioned. Chuck - Mike's dad is home from Burkina Faso!!

Here he is - just landing in Toronto!!! We have had a good couple of day with him catching up from the last 2 years he has been gone. A highlight so far is Chuck meeting AJ for the first time. Here is AJ doing one of his funny faces - that kid is too cute!!!

I think Mike mentioned that we got a surprise 'early baby shower' gift from my co-worker Lynnette. It was a must buy that she couldn't turn down and I was so happy. It just about made me cry :) It came at the perfect time and is so sweet!!!! Here is Mike testing it out:

So, I think that's about all for now. Its the holiday Monday - and i am enjoying my time off. We had a big breakfast thanks to Mike :) We (and that means Mike) are going to be making a new flower bed out back today. Its way to cold to plant anything but I will move some perennials around and get a few things done out there. I love to see things popping up in the spring!!!

Dad's Coming Home

2009-05-14T20:35:00.002-04:00

So, for those of you who don't know... my (Mike) dad lives in Burkina Faso Africa. He's due home for a furlow for the next four months. He will be arriving back in Canada on Saturday, and staying with us for about a week to rest before visiting his friends and supporting churches. He works for a mission support agency that drills water wells in Burkina and previously in Ghana. We've put an air matress in the baby's room, (which still is not finished!) and I managed to put up some blinds and a closet rod so he can hang up some of his clothes. Hopefully he can get re-adjusted to our climate and the noise on our street from the road reconstruction! I've invested in ear plugs to allow me to sleep during the day, since I'm still stuck on night shift (Blahhh). Oh yeah, Brenda's friend at work bought us a black baby doll to "practice" with, so she's in the crib now with some stuffed toys!! We've told Brenda's mom that's the baby she'll be able to hold when we arrive home with ours!!!

wordless wednesday

2009-05-06T17:36:00.003-04:00

Baby Max

2009-04-30T20:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my best friend and cousin Lorie and hubby Chris welcomed Baby Maxwell into the world. I hate that we live so far apart. I am wishing for a cuddle with new baby Max but will have to wait quite a while i am afraid. Sending hugs from very far away... luv auntie brenda

2 for 2

2009-04-23T18:16:00.001-04:00

So - guess what?? Another referral today!!! Yep - that's 2 referrals in 2 days. That is definitely good news! Our name bumps up another spot on the list. Oh - it would be soo cool to be 3 for 3 tomorrow!!! Fingers are crossed.

rambling...

2009-04-22T18:39:00.003-04:00

To start things off - there was a referral today!!! Yippeee - John and Lorie have a new baby boy. I really don't know John and Lorie - so if you are out there - congrats!!!! But the deal is that there is some progress - we have moved up the list again. So good to see!!!!
It is getting kind of frustrating to keep saying to people - another year. I think we said that when we started... It never gets less than - another year. Keep having to remind myself that this WILL happen.
Anyhoo - a shout out to my sister who celebrated her birthday this week. Happy Birthday!!
On the weekend, i attended a local POMBA (parents of multiple births assoc) garage sale. this is a famous sale that happens twice a year. My friend Julie let me know all about it - so i got up way too early on Saturday and got in a massive line up with my cousin Wendy. This is a serious sale!! I was looking for some furniture type things (extra change table for down stairs, high chair etc). I have decided to limit my clothing purchases until we know a gender. I ended up getting a really nice wooden rocking chair, some toys including Fischer price little people - and an adorable chicken Halloween costume. Thanks for the tip Jul - good stuff to be found at said sale!!!
That's it for me. i feel bug coming on, so i am heading for the couch. Need to rest up for our trip to Canada's Wonderland on Saturday with the youth group. Its supposed to be 24 and sunny - should be a good day!!

tada...

2009-04-17T18:51:00.014-04:00

Here at last!!!
Thanks to Ken for helping Mike carry the dresser upstairs!!

Some assembly required!

Our new dresser/change table

Notice the garbage can on the right - we are not quite finished with this room - but the furniture needs a home until its done. We still have - floor to paint, baseboards, light fixture to install, one more coat of paint on the walls and doors/trim. We are almost there... I am happy with the paint colour but it really doesn't show well in these photos. Its a very calm green.

We had been keeping the door to this room closed - to not see the mess i guess. And now i like to keep it open and peek in every once in a while. i even found some old baby blankets that were mine and Mikes and have them and some buddies in the crib.

Reno updates

2009-04-15T20:17:00.009-04:00

Since i put the pic's of the nursery up, I thought i should add some of the hall. We have taken a bit of a break again, but will soon get back at it. The hall is pretty much done. Just need some more trim, baseboards and surprise, surprise a bit more paint.

Here is the hall before:

Here is the middle:

Walls are done and now i am scrapping off the yucky layers of paint: Mostly finished - new light/fan, new linen closet, new doors

A door on the laundry room - to the right, bathroom to the left and storage room at the end!!

Trim is getting done - door still need to be painted.

We started this mess last August - hopefully we will be finished by this August. Stay tuned...

therapy

2009-04-15T19:02:00.012-04:00

Got some therapy this weekend. Much needed i must add.

First of all laughter therapy. I can't even really recall what was funny, but i know i had a lot of good laughs. Recap - Mike and I went on a road trip with my sister and her hubby to Lancaster, PA. We had lots of good laughs and just really enjoyed our selves. Lots of good food too - although i don't want to put eating down as a therapy. The Olive Garden did not disappoint!

My soul got some therapy as well. We went to the Sight and Sound theatre and saw an Easter musical. I am a very visual learner and so seeing a presentation like that speaks to my soul. Except for the flying angels in the gold lamae trimmed costumes and the big foam wings. I tried to get over those flying angels, i really did. Some times i really need to see something in 'real life' to hit home. There were lots of good parts. But for me- when Jesus was walking on the water and Peter gets out in faith - just kind of got me.

Didn't get much sleep therapy. Man am i getting old. We did some shopping and let me tell you, i just don't have it like i used to. By about 3:00 in the afternoon i was just plan done in. Until i got to the Carters store. If you don't know, Carters is a baby's clothing store. They have very cute stuff and good prices. This is the first time I have indulged in clothing shopping for the baby. I decided to get neutral stuff- as we don't know if it will be a boy or girl - i am tending to believe that it will be a boy - so the stuff got a bit more boyish. If surprise, surprise, we get a girl - oh well there will be more shopping. I also got mostly 12 months and up since we have no idea of how old our baby will be.

So, retail therapy also entered into our weekend. In a big way!!! Baby wasn't the only lucky one, mom got some good stuff too!!! Here is a peak of Jr's wardrobe to date. The pic's are a bit dark. The first thing is a 'bankie'. its a little stuffed monkey sewn on a little blanket. Once we have a baby assigned to us we are allowed to send a little something over for them and this will be what we send. Our baby's first present from us:

More therapy is definitely needed - but this weekend was a good start.

half way??

2009-04-15T18:37:00.004-04:00

So, the ticker up there tells me that we have been waiting 6 months and one day for our referral. Hmm. 6 months, huh. Right now (at this moment - subject to change on a whim) i am feeling good about things. Feels good to have 6 months down. We have been busy with a few things and so i guess time is going by. I think it helps that spring is in the air. Maybe that means there will be less time to sit and be mopey about waiting. I sure do believe that keeping busy really helps. i have a few more posts up my sleeve, so i wont tell you everything that has been going on just yet.
I am also very excited to have friends joining us in the international adoption world. Its great to have someone in 'real life' joining us and its a good feeling to be able to pass on some of our knowledge and experiences on to them.
It also really helps to hear of other people's good news. Congrats to Carolyn and Adam on their referral of a baby boy!
Anyhoo, so yeah for 6 months. Lets all hope and pray that we are really 1/2 way there!!!

here is a sneak peak at what has me a bit excited today!