one year ago...

Hard to believe its been a year since the bankruptcy. I was at work when i got a flurry of emails. I thought maybe it was a rumour or who knew what. Then i got a phone call. I was in shock. I was numb. All i could think of was that we would never be parents, our money was gone. I came home and woke up Mike who was still working nights at that point. He called our AP - i was too shaky. She didn't know anything. He called our lawyer to see what we could do. Our lawyer happens to be a partner with Ted G and so he was able to confirm that what we heard was true. How could the sky be blue and the sun be shining when our world was falling apart. Here is what i wrote:

yesterday our world fell apart. Our dreams and our hearts have been crushed. we are numb. We found out that our agency - Imagine Adoption has gone bankrupt. This pretty much means the end of our adoption. We choose this agency and this route because we felt it was our best chance of having a family - ever. The thought of getting into another line some where else is just so insane right now. Some say there may be hope for our file and another agency picking us up as clients but i doubt they will do it for free and we are at our limit. we are grieving the loss of our child and the hope that we once had.We are thankful for our friends and families. for the calls and emails and facebooks and cookies. we haven't responded much - we will in time. we just need time to process. if you want to know details - check out the imagine website - globe and mail - CTV - any news site - its everywhere. We are also thankful for your prayers - cause right now we don't have the words to say so we are counting on you to lift us up. we know we are not the only ones - there are so many just like us. we have all suffered so much already and this just seems to be so surreal.

Friends and family came over and offered support and prayers. I felt so lost. In the months to come we realized that the agency could be saved. I had no idea. And here we are, one year later - with referrals happening and kids home from the new agency.

Lately I have been about as low as the time of the bankruptcy. This experience has changed me. I am not as trusting as i used to be. I don't get quite as excited about referrals - ours just seems so far away. But just yesterday i was reminded that what i have been through is nothing compared to wondering where your next meal will come from or the knowledge that you can not afford to raise your own child. Its been a time to refocus. Yes, i have been hurt by this whole ordeal but my 'suffering/pain' is nothing compared to what our child or our child's birth mom has/will go through. So, maybe i have learned some perspective.

Some of the people affected by the bankruptcy now have their children home. Congrats to you. May you savor each moment with your new families. Some are still in the process like us - keep on keeping on. I do believe. Some had to drop out of the program and have taken different steps to grow their family. Some had to drop out of the program and their dream of family has been ended. I am so sorry, I have no words but i know your pain.

This is not an anniversary I want to keep or to 'celebrate'. But it is good to look back and see where we have come from in the past year and to be thankful for that. I do believe in miracles.