been a while

Its time for my catch up blog entry. I guess i am learning that i am not exactly a true blogger. I really haven't felt the need to share for a while. I have also learned that when I am going through 'stuff', that silence is more my style. It would be great to vent and get it out there but its all pretty private/not blog type stuff. Its been a tough fall - with 'stuff'. I am sick of 'stuff''.

Anyhoo - enough of that. I am starting to feel better about adoption 'stuff'. I will be honest and say that it would have been easy to quit this adoption this fall. It just seemed like enough was enough. No movement for way too long, than one or two referrals and then not much happening. Since then things have been really moving! In November there were 18 referrals and it feels like things are really happening again. Of coarse you can never be sure of much, but we are thankful to see thing happening again. We are still working on our updates and i have been kind of dragging my feet a bit and so, it seems like its really time to get it done so that we can be ready for our referral. It's starting to feel real again and I am starting to 'dream' again...hopefully this is the real deal and we can get on with it and get our referral already!!!!! When people ask me why we stick with it, I tell them that we are confidant that our first child is meant to come from Ethiopia. We are confidant that God has a plan that involves adoption and this child to be part of our lives. If we did not feel that we wouldn't be waiting.

Other than that all is well. We are getting ready for Christmas - got the decorating done but that's about it. Hopefully this weekend some baking will happen and some shopping too. Mike and i are planning a holiday and that is fun as well.

So, that's it for now. Yes, we are still alive. Its just been a tough time. I am still reading all of you and keeping up - just been a bit quiet.

Monthly update

It's about time for an update. Looks like i am lucky to get one post done a month. Usually on a day to day basis i feel like i have nothing to say - but then when i finally find the time to post, its a long one!!!! So, hold on your your seats, we got some catching up to do.

On the adoption front - we are still updating our homestudy. We have just about everything together and will soon need to meet with our AP (adoption practitioner) so that she can take another look at our house and decide if anything has changed with us in the last 2 years. Actually lots has changed. A few minor things like Mike getting a new job and some reno's on our house. But i think i have changed in the last 2 years. Some of it isn't so great - like not so quick to trust and being a bit more pessimistic in regards to this adoption business- all courtesy of a certain bankruptcy. But on the flip side i think i have healed also in the last 2 years. i am in a good place right now. Babies are being born around me and I am good with it. Friends and loved ones are all very considerate and compassionate when 'breaking' their good and happy news with me and I really appreciate that. I believe I am in a much better place now than I was 2 years ago. 2 years ago i might/would have started down the 'why them and not us' road. I can honestly say that i am happy for my friends and loved ones - yippee for you! I still hate the fact that we have to re-do this paper work. grrrr and when i see teenage 'children' parenting babies that boils my blood. We have also found out recently that we need to re-evaluate our age request. They can no longer promise that infants will become available. There is a lot more time consuming paperwork needed which causes those babies to age quite a bit before they are able to be referred. This has taken some time to become used to but I am learning to roll with the punches a bit more. We have no choice. Am i sad that i will miss those early baby months?? Of coarse, but I am getting used to the idea and i have seen the trends changing for a while and so you just go with it. mostly i am good. :)

Reno's - We have another room pretty much finished!!!! Our spare room has had some drywall finished, painting done (nice mauve colour - pics to follow!) All that is left is painting of the floor and some trim and its done. Of coarse in my head I am on to the next 2 projects :) and am waiting for Mike to catch up with my ideas!! Next is our bedroom. I have picked a great colour called 'black pepper'. Can't wait. and it fits with our food themed paint colours so it is 'meant to be'!!!

Wedding!!!! What an amazing weekend!!!! We had just a wonderful time celebrating my friends D&T! It was a beautiful setting and just a wonderful time. Pics below. Congrats to my wonderful friends!!!!

Fall - Fall has hit Ontario big time. The cool weather, the rain!! Seems like the hot, hot humid summer just stopped over night and boom - sweater time. We have enjoyed lots of fall activities like our local fair, the Apple Butter and Cheese Festival and much more. We also have enjoyed taking my nephew to University to see his campus and dorm. Very cool. How did i become old enough to have a nephew in University??? I am sure when we were visiting we were labeled in the 'parent' category. Well, I can say we are extremely proud of him and glad he is having a blast.

Dentist - yes you heard right. Today i made an appointment to see a dentist. This might not seem like a big deal to most. But, i have a huge fear of all things dental and so have avoided such things for an extremely embarrassingly long time. Today, out of nowhere i got the courage to call. My hands were sweating and my stomach was churning. I made the appointment. This is not joke people, its very real. i HATE it and it totally freaks me out. Ask me in 2 weeks how it went and say a little (or big )prayer for me on October 14th.

Anyhoo -that must be about all for now. Sorry for not being around lately. I still lurk on all your blogs when I am silent and learn and mourn and cry and rejoice with and pray for all of you when I am silent. Thanks for your patience.

And now for pics of the wedding. Enjoy!!!

Summertime, holidays and paper work

By now its the middle of August. I can not believe where the summer has gone. I love summer. I dream of it all year long. Remind me next February when i am dreaming of summer - that summer was really crazy hot and humid this year!! Last year we complained about our cool and rainy summer and this year we complain about our hot and muggy summer. Guess you just can't win. Last night i asked Mike to turn the fan off cause i was feeling cool, He checked and our house was still at 27. Hmmm guess i am getting acclimatized. Anyhoo, i didn't intend this post to be a weather complaint. I have much more important things to complain about. Before we get to that here are some shots from our week of camping at the end of July. We had a great time!!!!!!! It was hot - but we already covered that. The beach there was nice and the water was warm!!!! Our camera is broken : ( and so we only have a few shots from our holiday. The first is of our new second home. Lovingly referred to as our new 'condo'. Now some may and do mock at such a tent for just 2 people - somehow i managed to fill it up and use all the space with no problems. What i love the most is that i can stand fully upright and therefore my back is grateful.

This 'little' guy was our welcoming committee. We had been in our site for about 10 minutes before he swooped in. His wing span was about 3 feet or so. He sat in the tree for quite a while and finally turned his head all the way around to look at me when i talked to it. i was kind of relieved when it left again - it sort of freaked me out!!!

So, Holidays were good. Of coarse they are never long enough. But after a total of 8 nights in the tent i was happy to come home again.

D&T's wedding is coming up fast and furious. There have been showers and dress fittings and bachelorette weekends and all the fun stuff that comes along with it. Can't wait to show some pics of the big day!!

I also happen to be on holiday this week. Just me this time, Mike is working on the farm now and so holidays are in short supply during summer. So, i am amusing myself here at home. Doing the stuff i never seem to get around to doing and also just taking it easy in general. I have been trying to choose paint colours. Our spare bedroom is now ready for paint. I think i have the colour for that one down - a grey/purple colour. But it's our master bedroom that has me stumped. The bedspread has quite a few colours in it from a silvery blue to mauve's. Hmm. I am really not sure where to go with this one, so I am taking the whole king size comforter to the paint store later this afternoon for some help and guidance. With all the errands i have on my list, I am sure the week will fly by.

The biggest errand on my list is updating our paper work. ugh. I hated doing this paper work the first time - 2 years ago and i realize that i still hate it now. We got an email in July (while on first holiday) telling us it was time to get working on it...and here we are with nothing done. Now, the email does say that there is always a chance that we could get a referral before our stuff expires in October. But i think its safe to say that this is not going to happen. We are still about 42ish on 'the list' and October is not that far off. In fact, the way things are going our file will probably expire before i get everything updated. Wouldn't it just be my luck to be the one causing the delay. So, its on to the second round of fingerprints, police checks, physicals, and a new homestudy update.

So, that's what we've been up to. We are still alive. I see the ticker now says 1 year, 10 months and 3 days - are we almost there? Are we getting close?? Some days i wonder if that ticker will be ticking for the rest of my life. Hopefully we will hear some referral news soon and maybe my next post will be so say the paper work is done.

6 times a bridesmaid...

What a walk down memory lane. It was kind of fun to first of all search all those old photo albums (remember photo albums - we used to actually print photos, put them in books and then look at them??) Lots of memories tied up in these photos! Happy to say that all of these couples are still together in a day and age where that isn't' necessarily the case. I know that they all love me and so, if i get some dates wrong they will forgive this old brain of mine.

We start our fashion show in the early 90's. 1990 to be exact. This happy couple is my sister Sheri and hubby Larry. May of 1990 - they just celebrated their 20th anniversary with a cruise. You will find me, with my wonderful hairstyle, standing beside the groom. Note the POOFY sleeves - very stylish in the day - and the white nylons and shoes.

The very next year - May 1991 was my cousin Lyndon and his bride Kerrie's turn. Floral was really in! This is the one bridesmaid dress i actually wore quite a bit after the wedding.

August 1992 was Tim and Deb's turn - although I see I don't have a pic of Tim. He was there, I promise. This time it was pretty in pink. The bride designed these dresses herself along with her own gown. I was living in SK at the time and my dress was made in less than a week!

Dress #4 comes courtesy of Chris and Lorie. I actually had long hair then and so had a funky, twisty updo. This one is August 1999. Got to wear this one twice as we also attended a reception in Calgary - home town to Chris and the place they now reside.

Number 5 is cousin Wendy and beau Mika. I actually had a hand in setting these two up :) Good times. This one is August 2002.

And last but not least #6 is my brother Brad and bride Val. This on was October 2003. This one was a skirt and top and we all got to choose our own style. Very kind of the bride :)

Stay tuned for dress #7. I am working on getting better tan lines - the pressure of a strapless dress at the end of the summer is huge!!!! This will be my first 'beach' wedding and it will be a blast.

one year ago...

Hard to believe its been a year since the bankruptcy. I was at work when i got a flurry of emails. I thought maybe it was a rumour or who knew what. Then i got a phone call. I was in shock. I was numb. All i could think of was that we would never be parents, our money was gone. I came home and woke up Mike who was still working nights at that point. He called our AP - i was too shaky. She didn't know anything. He called our lawyer to see what we could do. Our lawyer happens to be a partner with Ted G and so he was able to confirm that what we heard was true. How could the sky be blue and the sun be shining when our world was falling apart. Here is what i wrote:

yesterday our world fell apart. Our dreams and our hearts have been crushed. we are numb. We found out that our agency - Imagine Adoption has gone bankrupt. This pretty much means the end of our adoption. We choose this agency and this route because we felt it was our best chance of having a family - ever. The thought of getting into another line some where else is just so insane right now. Some say there may be hope for our file and another agency picking us up as clients but i doubt they will do it for free and we are at our limit. we are grieving the loss of our child and the hope that we once had.We are thankful for our friends and families. for the calls and emails and facebooks and cookies. we haven't responded much - we will in time. we just need time to process. if you want to know details - check out the imagine website - globe and mail - CTV - any news site - its everywhere. We are also thankful for your prayers - cause right now we don't have the words to say so we are counting on you to lift us up. we know we are not the only ones - there are so many just like us. we have all suffered so much already and this just seems to be so surreal.

Friends and family came over and offered support and prayers. I felt so lost. In the months to come we realized that the agency could be saved. I had no idea. And here we are, one year later - with referrals happening and kids home from the new agency.

Lately I have been about as low as the time of the bankruptcy. This experience has changed me. I am not as trusting as i used to be. I don't get quite as excited about referrals - ours just seems so far away. But just yesterday i was reminded that what i have been through is nothing compared to wondering where your next meal will come from or the knowledge that you can not afford to raise your own child. Its been a time to refocus. Yes, i have been hurt by this whole ordeal but my 'suffering/pain' is nothing compared to what our child or our child's birth mom has/will go through. So, maybe i have learned some perspective.

Some of the people affected by the bankruptcy now have their children home. Congrats to you. May you savor each moment with your new families. Some are still in the process like us - keep on keeping on. I do believe. Some had to drop out of the program and have taken different steps to grow their family. Some had to drop out of the program and their dream of family has been ended. I am so sorry, I have no words but i know your pain.

This is not an anniversary I want to keep or to 'celebrate'. But it is good to look back and see where we have come from in the past year and to be thankful for that. I do believe in miracles.

Happy Father's Day

To Mike: You are going to be the best dad! In my mind I can see you with our children. I can see you teaching them, playing with them, caring for them and it makes me smile. I am know how well you look after me and i know you will do the same for our kids some day. Happy Father's Day.

To the 'other' Men in my life :) My dad - when i was finding someone to spend my life with, all i had to do was to look to you and mom and try to find what you have. You have always been there for me - no matter what kind of crazy thing i was up to. You have supported me in everything and taught me so much. And, we have a lot of fun!! You have the Cober cheating gene - we are always watching - don't worry. To my Father in Law - i don't feel like i have had enough time getting to know you before you left for Africa. I want to thank you for welcoming me into the family and accepting me for who i am. I also want to thank you for raising this man to be who he is. That doesn't happen by accident.

I also have a whole bunch of uncles and cousins - and even a 'time-share-Dad' - men who have influenced my life and been part of my 'circle'. It sure does take a village! I am glad that you will be part of our children's lives as well.

So, Happy Father's Day to all the men out there. May you all know how much you are appreciated and loved.

the latest and some 'after pics'

no, i haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Just about but not quite. Its quite possible that no one is reading this anyway...but here i am back again.

Actually -that was half my problem - the old sciatic reared its ugly head again. ugh. i am feeling much better - but this time its been about 3 weeks of crap and limping along. I am still a bit sore but am feeling so much better.

It's June - well and almost July. We just passed our 20 month mark. 20 months of waiting...what to say???! We have had many family events lately - and i always have lots of questions about when this baby will be showing up. You know, ever since we started my answer has been - 'about another year or so'. This has been my answer and I don't see it changing any time soon.

So, what else have we been up to? Prior to the back going out -there was lots of gardening and some work on our famous 'reno of 2008'. This could have something to do with the back...but you gotta live your life! The long weekend in May we got down to work and FINISHED the baby room and the hall!!!! Can you believe it??! What a relief/accomplishment!!!!! It looks really great. My hubby gets all the props here - i just did a bit of painting and changing my mind -'i want it here - no, over here, no - back to the first place' :)

So, here are some pics to show you the finished project. Now, we still have one bedroom to complete - but we aren't talking about that right now :) I also have MANY ideas for the next 4 or so projects. I would really like to get 3 of these done before baby comes - and the way things are going that probably won't be a problem.

So, here are some "before's" to refresh your memory. We didn't have a digital camera when we moved in, so don't have many shots of these spaces and really, those are memories best forgotten!!

Here is baby's room in its purple glory.

Imagine crusty matching purple carpet, no insulation and questionable wiring.

Same room - striped down to the studs and new drywall going up!

Our hall.
Bigger than my first apartment!

Features 6 doors plus a closet!

Picture ucky, icky painted over panelling and about a

gazillion years of grimy dirt that stuck to the flat paint - ugh.

Tada!!!

The baby's room

Furniture placement still pending. We will decorate once we find out who will be living here. Probably some pink for a girl (surprise) or some denim and blues for a boy.

A brand new room, complete with new windows, wiring, insulation, closets with organizers and new paint on the floor.

"The" Hall!!!

Complete with the first pair of curtains in the whole house, new light fixtures, linen closet and straight walls. Flooring to come...

Wow - what a change! It feels so good to see some progress being made on our house. I will be so happy when each room has a new look! This of coarse will take many more years - but i knew that when we moved in. We have a 30 year plan!!

Fair Trade Day

In all my business I totally missed Fair Trade Day. It was May 8th. Well, better late than never.
I work at Ten Thousand Villages. I have worked there for almost 10 years now. I love the mission of Fair Trade and the relationships we have made with folks all over the world. From the web site: Often referred to as 'Fair Trade,' our philosophy of helping to build a sustainable future is based on the principle that trade should have a conscience. Through Fair Trade artisans receive the respect, dignity and hope that comes from working hard and earning fair value for their work. Check out Villages at - www.tenthousandvillages.ca

Unfortunately we don't sell any crafts from Ethiopia. We do however sell Coffee from Ethiopia. It is produced by a Fair Trade company called Level Ground Trading. Their website is www.levelground.com. You can buy their coffee in our stores or online. Its great stuff.

I have found another Canadian Fair Trade website that does offer products from Ethiopia. They are called Nationwares and have some beautiful silk scarves and some other jewellery. Give them a look at: http://www.nationwares.com/hello.html

All three of these sites give all the info on Fair Trade that you could ever need - much better than I can. The coffee and chocolate we sell is AMAZING. I am so sold on the 'Divine' Chocolate - it has me so addicted :) We also have some pretty great jewellery - take a look. And kids books - "My Granny Went to Market" is highly recommended as well as lots of different Putumayo titles. Next time you are shopping for that perfect little something for your home, or someones birthday, or that gift for a teacher - or some great coffee beans - try Fair Trade.

Busy..

I know i had vowed to blog more often but man has it been busy lately!! I don't like it when we are out every night of the week and then all weekend - and that seemed to be our life for the last 3 weeks. It was all good stuff - but for me (little old home body) it took its toll! I had a beautiful sleep in yesterday and now i am feeling more myself again.


In the mean time, i missed our 1 year and 7th month waiting for our referral. I feel like its getting close. It could actually be this year...you never know. It is starting to feel good again, which is good.


Also, Congrats to cyber friends Alysia and Derrick on the birth of their beautiful son Levi. Their blog is at the right there. What a ride they have been on in the past year. What a great example of relying on God through heartbreak and in utter joy. That baby is the cutest ever!!! So happy for you!!!

So, what has kept you so busy you might ask?

It seems that April and May were 'babysitting weekends' for Uncle Mike and Auntie Brenda. The first weekend saw an overnight visit from Kyle and AJ. Kyle and Uncle Mike had the pleasure of attending Canada's Wonderland with the youth group for the day on the Saturday. I think Mike is learning his limits when it comes to roller coasters. As for AJ and I - well we spent a great day together. AJ is going to be 2 in August - but he still likes to be rocked to sleep and takes a few bottles, so we had some significant snuggle time. However, except for those special times the boy does not stop. Seriously, he is BUSY. Man, i knew we would have fun - but can you just slow down? I did baby proof our house - but we have 2 staircases going up and not enough baby gates could keep this one down. By 8:30 in the morning i knew we would have a long day :) I had actually planned to do a little photo diary of our day together and post it - but for one, who had time to find the camera and 2 all you would get is a blur of AJ as he runs past :) So, we went for a long walk, followed by a long nap (he plays hard but sleeps hard and long too), then went to my brother's farm to see the cows, visited my mom's and eventually i wore him down.

AJ is super good. I may have dragged him away from the stairs about a million times and told him not to touch Auntie Brenda's pretty star a few thousand times - but he just would turn and find some other mischief to get into. No tantrums, no hissy fits - just good natured trouble on 2 wheels :)

Our next two weekends we 'babysat' my niece and nephew. They are 15 and 17 and so supervision would be more appropriate. My sister and hubby went off to celebrate their 20th anniversary on a sweet cruise. The first weekend we went to their house (hour and a half away). They have a life you know...So Mike and i hung out at their place - played wii and watched some movies. During the week they were on their own and then the second weekend they came to our house - once again, more fun shopping, watching movies and the like. Dayna even helped me clean out my closet. If you have trouble getting rid of stuff just get a 15 year old fashionista to help. I got rid of 5 garbage bags of clothes. The first rule was, anything older than Dayna was gone without question - and there were a few things!! :) Don't know why i hold on to that old stuff - i was told that even if i could wear it - i shouldn't so, bye bye!!!! Feels good to be rid of that 'baggage' and now there is room to do some more shopping :)

This weekend we have had a child free home. Its been quite and a bit more tidy. A nice break but we miss them too. Friday night I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate a friend's birthday. I haven't laughed so much in such a long time!!! We also celebrated the engagement of my best friend. I have not smiled so big as when i saw that beautiful ring and heard the story of their engagement. Oh so happy for them!!!! Gonna be a bridesmaid for the 7th time and can't wait. Its a beautiful love story, let me tell you. My girlfriend is a blessed woman to have been wooed by such a man. And he is blessed to be in love with such a wonderful person who will be a wonderful mother to his 4 girls. It really is story-book kind of stuff and does my heart good to see such a happy time for all. By the way, I have decided to give you all a fashion show of my wardrobe of bridesmaid dresses. It sure is something - we've got floral, we've got pink satin, we've got satin died shoes, I think we've got it all!!! I am so happy for these 2 that i would wear a paper bag if that is what she wanted.

And to top off a great weekend, my wonderful hubby gave me a nice surprise. He let me sleep in on Saturday = beautiful bliss!!! Then when i got up i couldn't find him. We live in an old house and so its not unusual that we can't find each other and so i sat around, waking up and waited for him to find me. But an hour passed and still no Mike. Here, he was outside digging up my flower beds for me. What a guy!!!! Now, all i need to do is the shopping :) and planting. What a great surprise for me!

So, its been a bit busy! Things are starting to slow down on our calender - even have a few extra days off coming up. The plan is to get working on that reno we started in 2008 - remember that one?! The one where we were getting a room ready for the baby?! Hopefully i will have some 'finished' photos next week at this time!!!

Of coarse never far from my thoughts is our sweet baby to be. Looking after AJ was a bit like playing house. It was nice to know that at the end of the day i did just fine and managed on my own with him with no issues :) Rocking him in the baby's room brought me lots of pondering of times to come. Even though we don't know our baby, he is never far from my thoughts. I imagine what it would be like in each circumstance to be bringing our baby here or there or how they would like this experience or that thing we are doing. Or how we will be doing things much differently when we have baby home. One year and 7 months is a long time to wait for our baby - but we can't wait to see your face little one, and so we wait with anticipation!!

Tugging at a Dad's heart (or dad to be)

Brenda and I listen to country music. (You'll guess by now that it's Mike's turn to blog again). There are very few times that I get... um... well... emotional, so it took me by surprise when I heard a song on the radio the other day. If you listen to any Canadian country station, you'e probably heard a song called I've haven't even heard you cry by Aaron Lines. Here are the lyrics from the chorus:

And I haven't even heard you cry

I haven't even looked into your eyes

I haven't held you one time but you've changed my life

And I don't even know your name

But I know I'll never be the same

Oh I can't wait to show you you can fly

And I haven't even heard you cry

So, as you can see, these lines really got me thinking about our precious baby somewhere in Ethiopia. I still get choked up when I hear this song on the radio, and I do my best to keep it together (no one wants to see a mechanic crying when he's trying to fix a piece of farm machinery!). Someday I'll be able to tell our son or daughter this story, and laugh about how many times I thought of them even before I knew thier name.

missed one

This week i missed our 1 year and 6 months - waiting for our referral. Well - i actually didn't miss it - just didn't feel like it was worth celebrating - but it really is. 18 months is pretty big. Actually, this week for the first time in a long time (with the announcement of 2 referrals) it feels like I can get excited about the adoption actually happening. It even feels like it could be possible that we might get our referral this year - and hope of all hopes that we just might (??) travel on the first trip this year?? I know its an ambitious goal but it could really happen. A little hope is a dangerous thing - but hope can also be good. Even started thinking about what kind of travelling we might do on our first trip. Its kind of exciting to feel hopeful again.

learning

Some times it would be nice to not have to learn new things. As a kid i looked at the adults around me and figured once you got to a certain age you just knew everything. Hmmm. Learning i suppose is good. Its good to keep growing and stretching and learning.

This week i really felt so overwhelmed by situations. Situations that involve people i love. And these are things i have no control over, things I can't fix or even help with. It hurts. It hurts to know there is nothing i can do to help and it hurts to know that these people i love hurt. I just felt so helpless. I am a helper - I want to be the one to help but at this point that is not my job. I know my job is to pray. My faith felt so small and i wondered if this would be enough - it would be easier to be doing something - anything. I know this is part of my learning and stretching and growing.

Then we got this email from our Pastor Tom :

I want to share another verse with you that has so personally edified me this past year.

Psalm 56:8 - "Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll - are they not in your record?" (NIV)

I also like the ESV - "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?"

I have cried more in the past year than at any other period in my life, and with good reason. But what strikes me about this verse is that every single tear drop has not escaped the ever watchful and compassionate eye of my Father. My tears are precious to Him; He collects them and records them.

Maybe you've been crying lately, as the struggles of life have squeezed you. If not, at some point you will cry, as life will inescapably squeeze you. Remember, dear one, how valuable you are to your Heavenly Father. Every tear drop your eyes would release is treated as a rare find by the God of the universe. That is comfort. That is hope. That is the nearness of God.

God not only hears my prayers but he is collecting my tears - and there have been many tears. I felt like God was so far away when in reality He was close enough to collect my tears. How much closer is he to my loved ones in their times of struggle. It is not always my job to fix things - what a lesson that is - its a hard one for me. But i do take comfort and find hope and rest in this promise - our tears are a treasure.

what to say

I said i would start posting more - but seriously - we are boring people. There is not alot going on in our lives right now - besides the get up, go to work, come home, go to bed kind of stuff. Folks with writing skills make taking a trip to the dentist sound exciting and blog worthy - and i do get a chuckle out of their stories - but you really don't come to this here blog looking for fun like that. You could give me suggested topics and I could try to come up with something...

We did have a good Easter. I was wonderfully sunny and warm. We did family stuff which is good and can also lead to stress and so i am sure you don't want to hear about it. I did colour some Easter eggs and helped my niece decorate cupcakes -that was fun!! I also got a great pedicure and have now deemed it summer and refuse to wear sock until October.

We did watch The Blind Side. Should have seen it before all the hype. It was a good story but i really didn't think the movie was all that I heard it was.

We did play Rock Band Country - which was pretty hilarious. I rocked out a few songs and also learned that i do not have one ounce of rhythm - we will leave the drum solo's to Mike for sure.

I do wanna send a shout out to a few blogging friends. Friends who are on the cusp of giddy excitement. One friend and hubby are waiting patiently to hear of the birth of their soon to be baby boy in Florida. I check their blog only about a gazillion times a day to see what the latest is. Congrats you guys - you will be on a plane before you know it. Then there are 2 other families that are just on the verge of a referral. I can just feel it. Looking forward to hearing about your big news any day now. I actually fear how i will handle things when we are that close to our referral - i will be a basket case no doubt and a wreck. Poor Mike. Anyhoo - since we have no news - its great to walk with you and your good news.

Strength for today...

I have decided to get back to blogging. I have been fairly silent lately. The sun is shining, more referrals have been announced last week and we have a day off on Friday!!! These are good things!

Last night was also a good night for me. I met 5 other mom's who are in various stages of adoption from Ethiopia. The blogging community is great for support - but to actually meet with people in person and talk about life is great! So, here is a shout out to my new pals!!!! Looking forward to seeing you all again and one day meeting your kids!!!

Now for a topic switch - i love music - all sorts of music. Today, out of the blue an old time hymn popped into my head. The whole song is really great. At times in my life I haven't been able to sing the whole thing. I haven't always 'felt' it but that doesn't mean it's not true. Today the line "strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow" played in my head over and over and over. I have been wanting strength for the rest of this journey - and all i really need is strength for today. The whole journey wears me down, the bumps in the road wear me down - all i need is strength for today. I have been learning lately to take smaller bites - don't try to do everything at once - one day at a time. God is faithful and will provide the 'strength for today and the bright hope for tomorrow'.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

step back

What a crazy ride its been lately! I won't say that i am all good now with everything that has been going on - but i will say that I am learning to roll with the punches. The whole travel thing - well, financially it really sucks and emotionally it will be hard but i can live with it. The hold on adoptions is a bit more tough. There have actually been 3 referrals announced this week, so we are not sure if things are rolling again or if these were exceptions. Either way we are pleased that our number is decreasing. At work i have made up a number count down device - just a pad of paper with numbers on it - nothing too brilliant- but each time i hear about a referral i get to rip that page off - and it feels pretty good. To make it even more exciting i shred the old number :) It's actually quite therapeutic!!!
Anyhoo - that's about all that's new with me. I have stepped 'away from the edge' - mostly anyway. I think its safe to say that those of us who made it through the bankruptcy this summer still have pretty tender hearts. For me, I am doing the best that I can and trusting in God's plan for this family.

more

First off - let me say that today its been 2 years and one day since we started this adoption. Wow - last year while we were blissfully eating our wat and injera we had no clue that we would still be waiting and waiting and waiting a year later. And today i really don't see that wait getting any shorter or easier.
We have hit a new bump in the road. I already mentioned that referrals have slowed down to a stand still and today we hear something new. We will now have to travel twice to Ethiopia. Once at the time of court date to appear before the judge. Then we will get to see our precious baby, hold him/her in our arms and then get on a plane and come home to wait another 4 months or so till the rest of the paperwork is complete. Then we get to fly back.
Now, I completely understand the reasoning on both of these road blocks. They truly both have the best interests of the child in mind. But today i wonder how much more i can take. The thoughts of meeting my baby and then leaving it are beyond words. I can only imagine its hard enough to see the photos but to hold him and then let go.
Financially we will be stretched to afford 2 visits. Fortunately due to the generosity of our friends and families our trust fund will probably cover almost all of it. I am sure there are others who will have a very difficult time coming up with the extra $$.
I keep reminding myself that we are extremely confidant that this is God's plan for us. This child is God's plan for us and we are His plan for our child. This is the only thing that keeps me sane.

discouraged

The past few months i have tried very hard to keep a positive attitude. We are so happy that our adoption will still happen...but why the extra bumps along the road??? I know that they are to be expected with adoption - i should be used to this. But right now i feel like enough is enough!!! We found out last week (without going into details - too tired for details) that more referrals aren't likely any time soon. It is most likely a temporary thing - and in reality it protects the best interests of the children which we all know is the most important thing. But what could it hurt for the rest of this process to go ahead smoothly??? Just when i start feeling really good and optimistic than boom/bam/smash and it feels like we are back at square one. Sorry everyone - just feeling kind of crappy about this whole thing. The sun is shinning and it feels like spring and I feel like crap.
Anyhoo - we did have a nice weekend away, just hubby and me. It was a last minute, spontaneous decision and boy did i need it. Retail therapy always works wonders - and who doesn't like a spiffy looking mommy in waiting? Mike did allow me to by two baby things - a very-cute-gender-neutral-soft-baby-doll. So cute and cuddly. and a really great book that he found.
So, thats my grumble for today - please bring on the good news. Everyone chant with me now - GOOD NEWS, GOOD NEWS, GOOD NEWS.

February??

Hi all!!! I am back!
I have wondered what happened to February?? So hard to believe that the month is almost over.

The surgery went well. Gall bladder and little buddy are now a thing of the past. My first surgical experience went fairly well. Some of the highlights - getting 'stuck' 7 times before a successful IV got started, having the power go off in the hospital (actually i didn't even notice, the generator kicked in right away - but we did have to wait an extra 1 1/2 hours till it came back on to start the surgery and there was the threat of having to cancel the surgery - i said no way - i just got the crazy IV started!!!!!), having some nice nurses and one not nice Dr., good drugs :) and then an hour or so later getting sent home. Can i just say - is it illegal to have gowns that tie up in the back?????? I mentioned to the nurse that mine didn't have any ties - and he said - honey none of them do - WHY NOT???!!!!! just saying

It was all good and i have recovered well. I am back at work this week for a few 1/2 days - still some tenderness and sitting for long periods isn't that great. Mike was a good nurse per usual and i also got baby sat by my mom and sister and niece. I was a handful!!! :) I enjoyed the Olympic viewing and also read a few good books.

While i was down and out we celebrated another month of waiting - 16 to be exact. Wow. I would have never guessed that in February 2010 we would still be waiting for a referral when we started this whole thing - but here we are. We are also coming up on our 2 year anniversary of starting the adoption. Lots can happen in 2 years!!

So, that's it for me. Should head back to my couch and rest a bit. Thanks for all your notes while i was away. Also, its great to hear of so many successful court dates!!! Congrats to all new parents!!! That is so amazing - looking forward to seeing these first 'Imagine' kids coming home. Also looking forward to hearing good news from CAFAC friends soon too.

Little Buddy

Brenda is still recovering from her surgery, so that leaves to blogging to me (Mike, for those of you who don't know, I haven't posted in quite a while). Brenda's "little buddy" as we have called it, was taken out on Monday. She apparently told the OR staff that she was there to have a baby! It may have been the anesthetic talking, but she says she was aware of what she was saying. She is doing well by the way, and thank you to all of her cyber friends for your encouraging words of healing. Her mom has been here through the day with her, but Brenda is going to try tomorrow by herself. I have a day job now, so she is not alone at night anymore! I am still getting used to sleeping at night however, I like to sit and close my eyes at lunchtime but I nearly fell off my chair the other day when I dozed off! I'm told that everyone gets tired in the afternoon, so I'll take that as normal for now. I'm sure that Brenda will be posting again soon, so until then, happy blogging.

happy

In a job as a volunteer co-ordinator, I worked with some men with developmental delays. There was one guy named Gary. He would spontaneously say "I'm happy today. Yep, today and tomorrow". Well to take a page from Gary's book - i am happy today - for a number of reasons.
1. We are now #56!!!!! We started out at 62 and are now down to 56. Hard to believe in such a short while. I am actually enjoying the 50's. It's exciting, without all the pressure. I have a feeling once we get down to the 20's i will be a basket case, so I am going to enjoy the 50's.
2. Mike got a new job! He started out on Monday. Its a straight day job - instead of the straight nights he has done for the past 3 something years. I am so happy for him - its a great fit for him and i really think he will love it. yippee honey - congrats!!
3. My best friend is dating a really great guy. She is super great and deserves to be so happy and so she is and I am so happy for her/them. yippeee
4. We got a new bed! I love my new bed. With Mike coming off nights we decided we need to do something about our old bed. I don't sleep well when he is around and so a new bed will help to fix that problem. There seems to be more 'middle' in our King size bed and so I am happy. A new bed meant a new comforter set :) and so new paint as well - some day. Lots of fun!
5. I am getting my gall bladder removed. Although the thoughts of surgery don't really make me too happy - I will be happy to have it done and be free from attacks of pain in the night. I have named my gall stone 'little buddy' and so he really needs to go. If you don't hear from me in a while its because I am recouping.
6. Our friends and families have blessed us so much!! My family started up a trust fund for our adoption and we are so overwhelmed by the support that has been given to us. It truly boggles my mind. Our new agency fees have been covered, our travel expenses have been covered and then some. We are humbled and so appreciative. One draw back of the trust fund is that we can not tell who the people are who donate. So, thank you so much - we would love to thank each one individually - but if you gave we are so deeply touched and we thank you from the bottoms of our hearts.
So, I am happy today. Yep, today and tomorrow.

processing **plus edit

Lots of stuff running around in my brain lately. I am hoping that maybe by writing out, I can sort it out. It's tough stuff - and maybe you never really, truly sort it out but i hope to try.

In getting our 'number' last week, it really made our adoption seem real again. By the way we started out at 61 and are now down to 59 :). Anyhoo - back to the point. Some days our adoption doesn't seem real. I mean, it feels like a kind of club we belong to, an extra-curricular activity we are doing. I know we have a nursery set up with a crib and stuff but it doesn't always feel like we are having a baby!! It feels kind of abstract. Does any of this make sense? Anyway, when the list came out, it started feeling more 'real' again. I guess we can hope again. We can dream again.

I started obsessing with our number - trying to analyze exactly how long i thought it would take till our referral, what the chance are of getting a girl vs a boy. I made a nice colour coded spreadsheet and tried to explain it all to Mike - this means this and this over here means this...i guess its a bit crazy like me.

Then i started trying to figure out (again) - is our baby born, or is our birth mom pregnant yet? Then i started to think again about birth mom. Maybe its a combination of seeing the orphaned Haitian kids and the combo of our baby being reality again - but adoption is tough. Its hard. It is made from sorrow and tragedy and pain. Its not just - fly to Ethiopia and pick up a beautiful baby and come home and live happily ever after. Its a heart breaking decision made by a woman who only wants the best for her child. It's the death of a parent and lack of family members able to care for a child. Its hard. It's hard to wrap my brain around sometimes. Our child will have had a much harder life in its first few months than i will have had all my life.

I don't know. Some times i feel bad that i get so excited about the adoption. I am rejoicing in my happiness while others are suffering and grieving. Maybe the key is gratitude? Being ever grateful for the blessings in our lives, knowing that my blessing is someone else's pain? I guess it's something that you just work out and maybe you never work it out.

I guess in the end, life is not easy. I don't have all the answers and still have lots of questions. There is an empty place in my heart that longs for this baby and longs to heal the hurt and take the pain away. While i am still trying to figure it out - i can rely on the God who heals and provides and watches over us and hears my questions. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

The next day:
Ok - so i probably should just do a new post - but thought i want all my ramblings on this subject together.
I am still thinking and pondering and musing and this is the latest:
Life isn't fair or perfect. If it was, there would be no earth quakes, there would not be a long line up at the fertility clinic, the teenage 'father to be' i know would still just be a teenage kid, mother's wouldn't have to give up their children in hopes of a better life. Its hard and it sucks and its not fair but that's the way it is. I guess what we do about it is what counts. I need to celebrate our adoption and the new life that we will nurture in our family and not feel guilty(thanks Melissa). I need to be excited that we are number 59 instead of 62. I need to jump up and down at work when we get good news (get ready ladies!) and that is all good. We will mourn together at times and we will celebrate together and be thankful - but I won't forget or take for granted the circumstances that has brought our family together. Yes, adoption is made of pain and loss but it also makes joy and happiness and love and its ok to celebrate that too. Ok, so i think i have worked it out in my brain a bit more - not sure that you ever really work it out for good. I will quit rambling - for now.

sad

Even though today was an exciting and relieving day - what with the numbers and all, my heart is still so sad.

Sad for the people of Haiti and for the Martin family. The Martin's have lost an amazing wife, mother and grandmother. Yvonne was such a kind woman who always had a smile for me. My prayers are with you all.

Also, Villages has some artisans in Haiti that we haven't heard from - no idea how they are doing. Keep praying for these folks who need our prayers so much. Donate if you can - there are lots of ways and places to do that. Be grateful for what you have and hold your loved ones a bit closer.

numbers numbers numbers

So many numbers to consider today.

First off its our 15th month waiting on a referral - 15!!!! My goodness. One year and 3 months. Still have a long way to go - but am glad to say that those 15 months are done and gone.

And today we got our magic number!! I was totally thinking we wouldn't see them till Friday at 5:00 and was wondering how I would make it through the week and then boom - the email arrives. We are number 62. 62 out of 200 and something. I was hoping for the top 50 - but i will sure take 62. And actually, there was a referral announced today, so we are really 61!! This number really allows us to realistically try to figure out how much longer we will be waiting. I should be adding 4 months to pad it a bit and therefore try not to cause too much more frustration. Will we get a referral this year? Chances are we could but chances are we might not. So, i am trying to reason myself to accept travel in 2011. Who knows, there have been many surprises along the way so far.

So, now i am off to create my new list - and cross off #19 who got their referral today - congrats by the way. Yippee for 62.

the list

This has been an amazing week for the new Imagine! I counted 5 referrals (hope i am right) this week!! I was pretty excited about the first one, the second one seemed to be icing on the cake - but 5!!!! So very exciting.
The one thing that has really been motivating me lately is the unveiling of 'the list'. You see, we have never known how many families are ahead of us waiting for referrals. i had my own 'list' - colour coded, thank you very much - but it was purely speculation based on the limited info i was able to gain from our yahoo group. During the bankruptcy we realized that our list is not so accurate due to the fact that there are many more people out there than are on our yahoo group and so, how correct is my little list after all??
The new Imagine promised us a lookey at the list and it was been something i have been dieing to see. Where are we, how many people are ahead of us, how many want boys, how many want girls, etc etc. This week we found out we won't be seeing the list after all. I realize it can be a privacy nightmare and people can get their nose out of joint when referrals happen out of order. You see, referrals can happen out of order based on the criteria you have chosen about your child - age, gender, medical conditions etc. I understand why giving us the list could cause a ruckus. But i was really looking forward to the list - something i could analyze, speculate on and obsess :) on for a good long while. So, I am disappointed - no list. Instead they are going to tell us what number we are in line. This is a one time shot number and from here on in, I guess we speculate and do the math and make our own list and move ourselves closer to the top. Don't get me wrong. While i am disappointed about not seeing the whole list, I am pretty excited to see our number. I have a number in my head. Oh, i hope we are close to it. If we aren't i will be pretty disappointed.
So, this week we wait for the unveiling of the 'number'. Will it be 2 didget or 3?? Will i be on old age pension by the time we get our kid or still a young spring chicken? guess the point is that any amount of information on our adoption is a big deal - we get so little. Funny how one little (I hope) number is causing me so much anxiety. So, here's to numbers and finding out how many referrals are between us and our baby. Let's hope that its a short week and Friday gets here before we know it!!!!

congrats!! ***with revisions!

Hey - I am back. Our computer died this week, its now back from the Dr and doing well. Good news is that we got it fixed and didn't have to buy a nice, fancy new one - well, budget wise that's good news.
Anyhoo - all that to say that it was a great day to get caught up on some great news!!! Some cyber friends have been chosen to adopt a baby in Florida!!! Congrats!!!!!!! So, very exciting!!!! Its almost worth moving to BC to be able to adopt from the US. For now though we are staying here. Soooooo exciting to hear of baby on the way for D&A!!!! Hope you get some sleep tonight!! :)
An Imagine referral was also announced today - a sweet 2 1/2 month old baby girl. So small and tiny and so exciting!!! Congrats to you! And so, our file slowly moves closer to the top. We still have not yet seen the illusive 'list'. But, I am trying to wait patiently while they get it ready to send to us. The list will show us just where we are and how many are ahead of us.
So, its been a good day in the adoption world - here's to many more!!

**not only has there been one sweet referral but 2 more!!! Another girl and one boy. So amazing. Keep it coming!! Congrats to all!!!