Confession Friday (on Saturday)

I confess:

*we are getting close to the top of the list. seriously close. nauseously close. computer stalking close. freaky person close. The last referral that was announced - their original number was 55 and ours is 62. That is close. According to my spreadsheet, my multi-coloured and 'can't live without' spreadsheet - there are only 3 other people ahead of us that are stating 'either' gender, the rest want girls...that means we are closer than close. and its freaking me out. I am freaked out because our paperwork is still not done. At this point i don't really know where it is or how longer it will be there, where ever it is... The new agency took over our files this week and so i am trying to give them a grace period before i go crazy and demand some more info.... We are close. Close to insanity for sure. The reality is that we could be 'close' for a very long time.... You know me, i try to be realistic but its so hard not to try to put a time line on these things. IF we got a referral by June (my birthday) and it takes 6 months or so for the rest of the paper work...we could be traveling around Christmas time... That is a huge IF and i really try not to go there as there is no possible formula to try to figure out how long will take... pray for my sanity. Could we really have our baby home this year???? Mike is as cool as a cucumber...we refuses to get excited until we have our referral...I wish we could trade places for a week or a day... That would be a nice change.

*yesterday we heard the news that Sue Hayhow and Rick Hayhow have both been arrested and charged with fraud. I thought i would feel differently. I thought i would feel relieved and happy to hear this news. I am glad that they will be held accountable for their actions. I am actually surprised that Sue was in the country as it was rumoured that she was living in Africa. I was surprised at how raw my emotions still are after all this time. It is definitely a part of my life that hasn't completely healed yet - maybe it never will. It has really stirred up all the emotion of that time - when i was grieving the loss of a child and our adoption. It has become a part of our adoption story that i would like to forget about and 'skip over'. But it was/is a real part but not one i want to focus on. Here is a link to the news and our friends being interviewed - a happy ending with pic's of their beautiful son:http://swo.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110408/imagine-adoption-charges-110407/20110408/?hub=SWOHome

*i have alot of work to get done before we have people in for dinner tonight...and I am feeling very lazy. Maybe i need some stronger coffee to get me through. Or maybe we will order pizza...

*blogger is making me angry!!!!! its not saving right and i am getting frustrated!!!