a smile to my face **plus edit

You have heard me say this before - i am sick of waiting. I am sick of being patient. I am sick of smiling and saying 'he will be home soon'. So, if you don't feel like listening to me complain, that is fine - you can move along.

All of this time (the past 3+ years) - the light at the end of the tunnel was getting a referral. That is the big ticket item. That is the day you hope and pray for and dream about. The day that you learn who your child is. Is it a boy or girl? How old? and seeing that picture of your child... is a priceless moment in life. The ultimate is the day you meet and bring your baby home - but the big deal is the referral.

Friends had told me that the wait AFTER the referral was the worst. I thought - how could that be? The guessing game is done, you know who your child is and you have a rough estimate of when this ordeal will be over and you can begin your life as a family of 3. I thought to myself "how can it be worse than this"? But guess what, they were right. If you are still waiting for your referral - please know - its not all sunshine and roses. Sorry, maybe it will be different for you. I really hope so. You just need to be prepared. Its kind of like post-referral-depression or something.

The referral is a definite high. Its what you have been dreaming of and waiting for. I printed a million copies of those grainy photos and put them EVERY WHERE. I can not take too many steps at home or at work without seeing Bedi's face. and its torture. I made a comment on the chat group that it might be time to take some of the photos down so it didn't hurt so much - but i just couldn't do it. How can i put his sweet face away?

Here are the facts that my head knows: Bedi is being cared for at a very good orphanage. I have heard first hand from multiple sources that this is true. I know that adding 2 or 3 months to a 3 1/2 year process is really not that big of a deal. I know that we have a child who is (almost) ours and we will have the rest of our lives to be together. I know he is being loved. I also know that Bedi has and will suffer more than we can imagine. He has lost his birth parents, will loose his birth country, his language, his culture, his heritage. We will do what we can to make up for that. And so, my impatience and 'suffering' is nothing compared to that. My head knows that God's timing is perfect - His plan is perfect. We are in His hands. October is not far away (when the courts open again and hopefully will find out when we go for our first visit).

Here is what my heart knows: I am not the one caring for Bedi. He is getting bigger, growing and changing - he probably looks nothing like the 2 little photos that i stare at all day long. We don't know when we will travel. This court closure thing sucks. I feel like my faith is very small right now and that i am complaining and whining alot. Right now, if you ask me, I will tell you and complain and give the 'real' answer.

And so, you might ask - why the title. Doesn't seem like you are smiling much. While i am feeling pretty crappy about this whole thing, I have been given a little nugget to hold on to. A bit of faith that i can grasp.

There happens to be a couple in a small town about 15 minutes from where we live. They are adopting as well. I have always known 'about them', heard about them from different people - but never met them or made contact. Until last week. Their little girl is just weeks older than our Bedi and came from the same city. As i type they are living together in the orphanage. They are buddies. D's mom emailed me and let me know that she has SEEN our precious Bedi. She has talked to him, tickled him and made him smile and laugh. She said he thought he looked healthy and like he was a good weight. Music to my ears. What an amazing gift this has been. Its making it just a bit easier. And so God provides just a little something, a little bit of hope just when i need it.

It's a nugget, a tiny glimpse of our son. I am still complaining and feeling like crap. But its just a little something to take the edge off.

EDIT:

to add to the story of our new friends and their visit with Bedi - i have now found out that they do not in fact live 15 minutes away in another town - but actually 5 minutes away - just down the street in our own little town!!! Our kids would likely go to the same school!!! How cool is that? Looking forward to meeting you E!!