What It Might Feel Like to be Adopted - from Ruth's Rambles

The following was posted by Ruth a while back. It really struck a cord with me...and I wanted to share it. Adoption is just plain hard. There is no way around it. We will most likely be the 4th caregiver our child will have had. Even as an infant, he/she will be confussed and scared. There is even research to suggest that brain activity can be affected by the loss and change in caregiver. I will post soon about secure attachment and how we plan to be pro-active in our parenting.

Here is Ruth's post:



About a year ago, I read an article by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, an article that first went to print in the Adoption Parenting publication. Hockman-Chupp is a writer and an adoptive parent, and she wrote the following analogy to help all pre-adoptive parents understand what adoption might feel like from a child's perspective. It haw haunted me since first reading it. Here it is in its entirety.

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A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment...


You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.

The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?

You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?

Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your lan- guage-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.

You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bed-time with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.

The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, some-one (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before.

He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.

People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.

Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

How would each of us handle all these changes? How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?

©2006-8 Cynthia Hockman-Chupp. Cynthia is an adoptive parent, teacher, and writer who has learned the most about parenting from her children. She operates a website with Heidi Louella, another adoptive parent and teacher, called www.a4everfamily.org with great information for families that are dealing with the challenges of attachment in young children. Her analogy is courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller, an attachment therapist.
This article was originally published in Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections published by EMK Press. This 520 page parenting book is a tapestry of contributions from over 100 adoptive parents, adoption experts, birth parents, and parents who have become experts to parent the children who have come to them. It is available from EMK Press, 16 Mt. Bethel Road, #216, Warren, NJ 07059 732-469-7544 • 732-469-7861 fax • www.emkpress.com

Betty

Thank you all for praying for my cousin Betty and her family. Sorry for the delay in posting. Betty went to be with the Lord soon after she became ill. On Mother's Day we gathered to celebrate her life and to grieve her passing.
I come from a large family. Betty's dad is the oldest of 12 and my dad happens to be #9. And so Betty was closer to my parents age and her kids are closer to my age. In fact, I was born 3 days after Harold and Betty's wedding. They would have been married 40 years in June.

I grew up attending church with Betty and Harold and their family and I would say that they taught me many things about walking with Jesus just through their example. When i was 16 we got a flier at church for a summer mission trip. It looked pretty interesting but i had alot of fear about it. When she asked me if i was thinking of going, i made up some excuses about money and who knows what. Betty said to me "Do you have something better to do?" She has a way of saying it like it is and so she really encouraged me to seriously think and pray about it. That summer was an amazing blessing to me and the beginning of a stirring in my heart for mission work.

I think that Betty was the first person at church that i told about our adoption. I just couldn't wait to tell someone and there she was. She was so excited! She had actually done some volunteer work with Imagine - hand delivering documents to the embassy in Ottawa. I know she prayed for us and was always interested in our 'next steps' and where we were in line.

Betty was an amazing Mother, Grandmother, prayer warrior, friend. And man did she know her Scriptures. What an amazing legacy she leaves. LIfe is short, you just don't know what God's plan is for your life. Live life to the fullest, be thankful for what you have and those who are in your life.


Here is a clip from the local news
http://www.ctvbc.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110508/Albrecht2011-05-08/20110508/?hub=TorontoNewHome

Please Pray

Could you all please pray for my cousin Betty. She is hospital in very serious condition. Pray for her husband, thier 3 kids and spouces and 9 grandkids.

Confession Friday

I confess:

*This has been a discouraging week adoption wise. 2 really good friends are both really struggling with their adoptions. One is just so close – so close to picking up their sweet boy. Red tape just keeps getting in the way. It seems like petty, easy things that just make you shake your head – are keeping them from hoping on a plane. My other really good friends just do not know if their adoption will ever happen. Delay after delay has had them at a standstill for a long time (since last summer) and now there is 3 more months of not knowing. And us…I still don’t know where our file is at but was told ‘we are looking into it’. If you don’t mind, say a prayer for all of us as some days, one more thing is just too much to deal with.

*That I feel a bit like Jekyll/Hyde. One post is positive and exciting and upbeat and then bam. More crap. Will life ever be normal again? How I look forward to the day that our adoption is done and final and we can move on to a new kind of crazy – parenthood!

*We all need some good news.

*I got up and watched the wedding today at 3:00am. By ‘up’ I mean that I was awake but still in bed. :)

*I did get a bit teary. Weddings always make me cry. It was a beautiful wedding!!!

*Retail therapy is in my future.

Confession Friday (on Saturday)

I confess:

*we are getting close to the top of the list. seriously close. nauseously close. computer stalking close. freaky person close. The last referral that was announced - their original number was 55 and ours is 62. That is close. According to my spreadsheet, my multi-coloured and 'can't live without' spreadsheet - there are only 3 other people ahead of us that are stating 'either' gender, the rest want girls...that means we are closer than close. and its freaking me out. I am freaked out because our paperwork is still not done. At this point i don't really know where it is or how longer it will be there, where ever it is... The new agency took over our files this week and so i am trying to give them a grace period before i go crazy and demand some more info.... We are close. Close to insanity for sure. The reality is that we could be 'close' for a very long time.... You know me, i try to be realistic but its so hard not to try to put a time line on these things. IF we got a referral by June (my birthday) and it takes 6 months or so for the rest of the paper work...we could be traveling around Christmas time... That is a huge IF and i really try not to go there as there is no possible formula to try to figure out how long will take... pray for my sanity. Could we really have our baby home this year???? Mike is as cool as a cucumber...we refuses to get excited until we have our referral...I wish we could trade places for a week or a day... That would be a nice change.

*yesterday we heard the news that Sue Hayhow and Rick Hayhow have both been arrested and charged with fraud. I thought i would feel differently. I thought i would feel relieved and happy to hear this news. I am glad that they will be held accountable for their actions. I am actually surprised that Sue was in the country as it was rumoured that she was living in Africa. I was surprised at how raw my emotions still are after all this time. It is definitely a part of my life that hasn't completely healed yet - maybe it never will. It has really stirred up all the emotion of that time - when i was grieving the loss of a child and our adoption. It has become a part of our adoption story that i would like to forget about and 'skip over'. But it was/is a real part but not one i want to focus on. Here is a link to the news and our friends being interviewed - a happy ending with pic's of their beautiful son:http://swo.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20110408/imagine-adoption-charges-110407/20110408/?hub=SWOHome

*i have alot of work to get done before we have people in for dinner tonight...and I am feeling very lazy. Maybe i need some stronger coffee to get me through. Or maybe we will order pizza...

*blogger is making me angry!!!!! its not saving right and i am getting frustrated!!!

Another Room Finished!

We have now finished our spare bedroom. It is now ready for occupancy, so if you are planning to come to Ontario (hint hint Karen), please do!!!

We (Mike) re-did the dry wall, added crown moulding, painted everything - including the floors and installed a new ceiling fan/light fixture.

We have the after's first because our computer is very slow today. Enjoy!!!

The befores. Ugh - ugly green wall paper on one wall, ugly grey paint on the other walls. Gaps in dry wall, dirty and stained floor. Good bye to the dingy's!!!

Thanks Mike for all your hard work!!! You are the best! Now, on to our next project :)

Confession Friday

I confess:

*as I wrote that last post, I was very excited about where we are and how close we are to a referral

*after I read the last post, I got depressed at how long we still have before we have our child home

*it’s been a tough week. Since the bankruptcy happened I have tried very hard not to get caught up emotionally in what is going on the boards and the latest drama. There is always ‘something’ and to save my sanity I usually take it all with a grain of salt until I see some concrete proof that it might be true. I was avoiding the latest news in hopes that it was just another rumour. For those not in the adoption world, we are going to be faced with much longer wait times… That’s all I am going to say about it. It adds more time to our time line and causes children to have longer time in institutional care. It’s sad and hopefully things can be turned around.

*that after the latest news that wait times are only going to increase I really wondered if we should continue with this adoption. If we weren’t so ‘close’ to a referral, I think we would be seriously considering our options

*that our child is worth waiting for and some day we will look back at this time and be grateful for the path that lead us to our child.