processing **plus edit

Lots of stuff running around in my brain lately. I am hoping that maybe by writing out, I can sort it out. It's tough stuff - and maybe you never really, truly sort it out but i hope to try.

In getting our 'number' last week, it really made our adoption seem real again. By the way we started out at 61 and are now down to 59 :). Anyhoo - back to the point. Some days our adoption doesn't seem real. I mean, it feels like a kind of club we belong to, an extra-curricular activity we are doing. I know we have a nursery set up with a crib and stuff but it doesn't always feel like we are having a baby!! It feels kind of abstract. Does any of this make sense? Anyway, when the list came out, it started feeling more 'real' again. I guess we can hope again. We can dream again.

I started obsessing with our number - trying to analyze exactly how long i thought it would take till our referral, what the chance are of getting a girl vs a boy. I made a nice colour coded spreadsheet and tried to explain it all to Mike - this means this and this over here means this...i guess its a bit crazy like me.

Then i started trying to figure out (again) - is our baby born, or is our birth mom pregnant yet? Then i started to think again about birth mom. Maybe its a combination of seeing the orphaned Haitian kids and the combo of our baby being reality again - but adoption is tough. Its hard. It is made from sorrow and tragedy and pain. Its not just - fly to Ethiopia and pick up a beautiful baby and come home and live happily ever after. Its a heart breaking decision made by a woman who only wants the best for her child. It's the death of a parent and lack of family members able to care for a child. Its hard. It's hard to wrap my brain around sometimes. Our child will have had a much harder life in its first few months than i will have had all my life.

I don't know. Some times i feel bad that i get so excited about the adoption. I am rejoicing in my happiness while others are suffering and grieving. Maybe the key is gratitude? Being ever grateful for the blessings in our lives, knowing that my blessing is someone else's pain? I guess it's something that you just work out and maybe you never work it out.

I guess in the end, life is not easy. I don't have all the answers and still have lots of questions. There is an empty place in my heart that longs for this baby and longs to heal the hurt and take the pain away. While i am still trying to figure it out - i can rely on the God who heals and provides and watches over us and hears my questions. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

The next day:
Ok - so i probably should just do a new post - but thought i want all my ramblings on this subject together.
I am still thinking and pondering and musing and this is the latest:
Life isn't fair or perfect. If it was, there would be no earth quakes, there would not be a long line up at the fertility clinic, the teenage 'father to be' i know would still just be a teenage kid, mother's wouldn't have to give up their children in hopes of a better life. Its hard and it sucks and its not fair but that's the way it is. I guess what we do about it is what counts. I need to celebrate our adoption and the new life that we will nurture in our family and not feel guilty(thanks Melissa). I need to be excited that we are number 59 instead of 62. I need to jump up and down at work when we get good news (get ready ladies!) and that is all good. We will mourn together at times and we will celebrate together and be thankful - but I won't forget or take for granted the circumstances that has brought our family together. Yes, adoption is made of pain and loss but it also makes joy and happiness and love and its ok to celebrate that too. Ok, so i think i have worked it out in my brain a bit more - not sure that you ever really work it out for good. I will quit rambling - for now.

sad

Even though today was an exciting and relieving day - what with the numbers and all, my heart is still so sad.

Sad for the people of Haiti and for the Martin family. The Martin's have lost an amazing wife, mother and grandmother. Yvonne was such a kind woman who always had a smile for me. My prayers are with you all.

Also, Villages has some artisans in Haiti that we haven't heard from - no idea how they are doing. Keep praying for these folks who need our prayers so much. Donate if you can - there are lots of ways and places to do that. Be grateful for what you have and hold your loved ones a bit closer.

numbers numbers numbers

So many numbers to consider today.

First off its our 15th month waiting on a referral - 15!!!! My goodness. One year and 3 months. Still have a long way to go - but am glad to say that those 15 months are done and gone.

And today we got our magic number!! I was totally thinking we wouldn't see them till Friday at 5:00 and was wondering how I would make it through the week and then boom - the email arrives. We are number 62. 62 out of 200 and something. I was hoping for the top 50 - but i will sure take 62. And actually, there was a referral announced today, so we are really 61!! This number really allows us to realistically try to figure out how much longer we will be waiting. I should be adding 4 months to pad it a bit and therefore try not to cause too much more frustration. Will we get a referral this year? Chances are we could but chances are we might not. So, i am trying to reason myself to accept travel in 2011. Who knows, there have been many surprises along the way so far.

So, now i am off to create my new list - and cross off #19 who got their referral today - congrats by the way. Yippee for 62.

the list

This has been an amazing week for the new Imagine! I counted 5 referrals (hope i am right) this week!! I was pretty excited about the first one, the second one seemed to be icing on the cake - but 5!!!! So very exciting.
The one thing that has really been motivating me lately is the unveiling of 'the list'. You see, we have never known how many families are ahead of us waiting for referrals. i had my own 'list' - colour coded, thank you very much - but it was purely speculation based on the limited info i was able to gain from our yahoo group. During the bankruptcy we realized that our list is not so accurate due to the fact that there are many more people out there than are on our yahoo group and so, how correct is my little list after all??
The new Imagine promised us a lookey at the list and it was been something i have been dieing to see. Where are we, how many people are ahead of us, how many want boys, how many want girls, etc etc. This week we found out we won't be seeing the list after all. I realize it can be a privacy nightmare and people can get their nose out of joint when referrals happen out of order. You see, referrals can happen out of order based on the criteria you have chosen about your child - age, gender, medical conditions etc. I understand why giving us the list could cause a ruckus. But i was really looking forward to the list - something i could analyze, speculate on and obsess :) on for a good long while. So, I am disappointed - no list. Instead they are going to tell us what number we are in line. This is a one time shot number and from here on in, I guess we speculate and do the math and make our own list and move ourselves closer to the top. Don't get me wrong. While i am disappointed about not seeing the whole list, I am pretty excited to see our number. I have a number in my head. Oh, i hope we are close to it. If we aren't i will be pretty disappointed.
So, this week we wait for the unveiling of the 'number'. Will it be 2 didget or 3?? Will i be on old age pension by the time we get our kid or still a young spring chicken? guess the point is that any amount of information on our adoption is a big deal - we get so little. Funny how one little (I hope) number is causing me so much anxiety. So, here's to numbers and finding out how many referrals are between us and our baby. Let's hope that its a short week and Friday gets here before we know it!!!!

congrats!! ***with revisions!

Hey - I am back. Our computer died this week, its now back from the Dr and doing well. Good news is that we got it fixed and didn't have to buy a nice, fancy new one - well, budget wise that's good news.
Anyhoo - all that to say that it was a great day to get caught up on some great news!!! Some cyber friends have been chosen to adopt a baby in Florida!!! Congrats!!!!!!! So, very exciting!!!! Its almost worth moving to BC to be able to adopt from the US. For now though we are staying here. Soooooo exciting to hear of baby on the way for D&A!!!! Hope you get some sleep tonight!! :)
An Imagine referral was also announced today - a sweet 2 1/2 month old baby girl. So small and tiny and so exciting!!! Congrats to you! And so, our file slowly moves closer to the top. We still have not yet seen the illusive 'list'. But, I am trying to wait patiently while they get it ready to send to us. The list will show us just where we are and how many are ahead of us.
So, its been a good day in the adoption world - here's to many more!!

**not only has there been one sweet referral but 2 more!!! Another girl and one boy. So amazing. Keep it coming!! Congrats to all!!!