Lots of stuff running around in my brain lately. I am hoping that maybe by writing out, I can sort it out. It's tough stuff - and maybe you never really, truly sort it out but i hope to try.
In getting our 'number' last week, it really made our adoption seem real again. By the way we started out at 61 and are now down to 59 :). Anyhoo - back to the point. Some days our adoption doesn't seem real. I mean, it feels like a kind of club we belong to, an extra-curricular activity we are doing. I know we have a nursery set up with a crib and stuff but it doesn't always feel like we are having a baby!! It feels kind of abstract. Does any of this make sense? Anyway, when the list came out, it started feeling more 'real' again. I guess we can hope again. We can dream again.
I started obsessing with our number - trying to analyze exactly how long i thought it would take till our referral, what the chance are of getting a girl vs a boy. I made a nice colour coded spreadsheet and tried to explain it all to Mike - this means this and this over here means this...i guess its a bit crazy like me.
Then i started trying to figure out (again) - is our baby born, or is our birth mom pregnant yet? Then i started to think again about birth mom. Maybe its a combination of seeing the orphaned Haitian kids and the combo of our baby being reality again - but adoption is tough. Its hard. It is made from sorrow and tragedy and pain. Its not just - fly to Ethiopia and pick up a beautiful baby and come home and live happily ever after. Its a heart breaking decision made by a woman who only wants the best for her child. It's the death of a parent and lack of family members able to care for a child. Its hard. It's hard to wrap my brain around sometimes. Our child will have had a much harder life in its first few months than i will have had all my life.
I don't know. Some times i feel bad that i get so excited about the adoption. I am rejoicing in my happiness while others are suffering and grieving. Maybe the key is gratitude? Being ever grateful for the blessings in our lives, knowing that my blessing is someone else's pain? I guess it's something that you just work out and maybe you never work it out.
I guess in the end, life is not easy. I don't have all the answers and still have lots of questions. There is an empty place in my heart that longs for this baby and longs to heal the hurt and take the pain away. While i am still trying to figure it out - i can rely on the God who heals and provides and watches over us and hears my questions. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11
The next day:
Ok - so i probably should just do a new post - but thought i want all my ramblings on this subject together.
I am still thinking and pondering and musing and this is the latest:
Life isn't fair or perfect. If it was, there would be no earth quakes, there would not be a long line up at the fertility clinic, the teenage 'father to be' i know would still just be a teenage kid, mother's wouldn't have to give up their children in hopes of a better life. Its hard and it sucks and its not fair but that's the way it is. I guess what we do about it is what counts. I need to celebrate our adoption and the new life that we will nurture in our family and not feel guilty(thanks Melissa). I need to be excited that we are number 59 instead of 62. I need to jump up and down at work when we get good news (get ready ladies!) and that is all good. We will mourn together at times and we will celebrate together and be thankful - but I won't forget or take for granted the circumstances that has brought our family together. Yes, adoption is made of pain and loss but it also makes joy and happiness and love and its ok to celebrate that too. Ok, so i think i have worked it out in my brain a bit more - not sure that you ever really work it out for good. I will quit rambling - for now.
11 comments:
I am with you. Cant wrap my head around many of the adoption thoughts but it is real and I hope those referrals keep coming - yours will happen!
Brenda,
I think you put it really eloquently about the sadness through the joy of adoption. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this.
Ashleigh
trust me, you'd be surprised when those feelings surface unexpectedly. sometimes you just feel an overwhelming sadness for both the birth family and for the pain your child is going to feel once they begin to consciously comprehend the reality of that loss. i have to think of it this way - in a perfect world adoption wouldn't exist. families wouldn't be split. poverty and disease wouldn't cause parents to make such a difficult choice. but the reality is these conditions do exist, and every child deserves the right to a healthy, happy, safe and loved life. you will be awesome parents and i can't wait until that day comes for you!!
Yes, to all of it! I have felt like I'm "playing house" this whole adoption so far...with occasional, brief moments of realness. And the sadness that is part of it all - I've tried to explain that to a friend before, but I don't think I did a great job of expressing those thoughts. Thanks for putting it all out there.
I love that verse! It's one of my favorites. And I totally know how you feel about his seeming a little unreal. I know that she is coming, but it seem so theoretical. And I go through the motions too of buying her little things and working on a room for her, but it really doesn't seem quite real. Yet.
I was spreadsheeting too, until this summer, when in the devestation I deleted all things adoption related from my computer, believing it really was the end, despite the hope of some.
As for the celebrating? I know someone is losing out, I know people are mourning, but if I mourn too, I figure that's not good. I should be celebrating. Someone should, at the life of a child! And I will mourn with her as she grows and realizes what she's lost, and if I'm lucky enough to meet her other family, I'll probably mourn with them too, because it is sad for them. I guess I think the best we can do is to keep them alive in hearts and memories, and to be empathic as our children wonder and question.
Good post, Brenda.
Well said. I know for me I have been continually struck by the joy and sorrow paradoxes. And it doesn't seem to end when your baby is safely home. There are moments when I look at my daughter dancing around and while I am filled with gratitude I can't help but feel a pang that her enat will never get to experience this.
Number 59- woohoo!
I have so many 'what ifs' going through my head, I am barely sleeping at night - you are certainly not alone.
L
oops - sorry - just realized I forgot to sign my post Brenda! I'm "anonymous" - just me sharing my own experiences wrestling with these emotions - not just some random person commenting on your blog!!
Janice
I often have similar thoughts. I'm hoping that the referral will finally make it feel real. I am constantly picturing our life with our new little girl in it but I want it to be real not just imagined.
I agree with Kendra, there are so many things to wrap your around on this journey to our adopted children. I think thinking about it is all part of the process of dealing with it. The emotions we feel will hopefully help us to better understand our children.
Please don't give up. When we social services phoned us on Dec 16th I asked what now? It was a referral. We passed court Jan 25th. I am a Mom. I wasn't expecting it until spring. I have all of you waiting to thank. Your time will come! Andrea
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