So, the other night i answered the phone. This very timid, scared voiced asked if i was Mrs Manning. Yep - i am . Sorry, but your crib is back ordered. Its ok I said, so is our baby. Silence... Then i explained that we are adopting and the baby won't be here for a while (understatement). Then the nice lady sighed a huge sigh of relief and had a chuckle with me. Poor thing, imagine having to call a hormonal pregnant woman and tell her that the crib she ordered in December is going to be delivered in April instead of February- not a nice job. I thought it was funny...
On the weekend Mike and i attending a parenting 101 class put on by our adoption agency. We got all sorts of usefully info and learned lots. One thing they talked about was seclusion parenting. This requires the parents to go into 'hiding' when the baby comes home. No one is allowed to hold or care for the child in anyway but the parents. This teaches the child about family and who its care givers now are and that he/she can trust us. This is to go on until a sufficient attachment has happened - could be weeks or could be months. It has me a bit worried. I will love for our families to have contact with our child and i wonder how it will all work. How will i stop my mom from holding her grandchild? I know she will do what is best for the kid but how can i deny that?? Anyone out there have some advice on how they did it or are planning to do it? Apparently if you do it this way, then the attachment happens faster and stronger. If you don't, then the attachment takes much more time. I am beginning to wonder if staying in Ethiopia a bit longer would be a good idea? It has me a bit puzzled as to how we should proceed. Still trying to wrap my brain around this one.
Val updates: She is coming home this week. She is starting to get her strength back - but she has a very long road ahead of her. We appreciate your prayers!
3 comments:
I enjoyed your back ordered baby comment. Keep your humour up, it'll get you through to the end!
All the stuff out there on attachment parenting can leave one pretty confused and anxious. I would say at least 10 days in Ethiopia as it allows you to see stuff without having marathon days with a new baby in tow, and it allows you guys to focus only on the baby. It is amazing how many distractions surface once you are home. Also, you are pretty much forced to "in rooom" sleep with baby, which is a good thing too.
You will find the balance with what your seclusion will look like. I have definitely limited the who and how long they hold the baby, and as frustrating as seclusion is for everyone else who is anxious to meet the new addition, it really is worth taking the time to do. I am encouraged with the signs of attachment that I see taking place with Phoebe and I know that I still need to be intentional with this. I think some of the "how long" and "how" depends upon your baby too...
I think it is wise to prepare family and friends ahead of time and to normalize the seclusion period for them ie."in adoption it is necessary to..." Most people in my life understand that this isn't like bringing a newborn home and they have been patient and supportive.
I know you guys will find the balance that works for your family and if I can help in any way (obviously from a distance!), I am just on the other end of an email...
Love the "back ordered" comment too!
The "no hold" rule is a tough one...we were lucky to have 3 weeks before coming back to Canada so had a good start on bonding...but nobody held her at the airport (except dad for 2 min. b/c he had to leave). Our families did the next day, but we paid for it at night. Mom was there the first week b/c I was sick, but I did as much of the "important" care as I could - bottles, bed, etc. The toughest part was baby showers - we had the host annouce it at the beginning that only myself & grandmas would be holding her & I just kept her in the Baby Bjorn the whole time. We had a split between people who got it & those who didn't, especially b/c Maiya seemed very social & outgoing. But like I said, after a big gathering, we saw the results at night. We were very fortunate in how well she attached, but even after the commotion at Christmas w/ lots of people staying over/leaving/staying/leaving - we saw the results at night & believe it's a subconcious fear on her part that maybe she'll wake up & we'll be gone too.
So you do what's best - some need full seclusion, some partial - you'll start to read your baby's signs as you gradually introduce people/situations and you'll figure it out pretty fast!
So excited for you guys!!!! Oh - and remember - even though you're bebe won't have a lot of first cousins....he or she has an energetic little 3rd cousin who would be happy to play anytime!!
Janice
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